Episode Transcript
[00:00:06] Speaker A: Welcome to From Caving in to Crushing it, the podcast for those who find themselves immersed in adversity and choose to write their story instead of having others write it for them. I'm Drew Durany and I'm your host. Today's guest is Rob Fenstermaker. While trying to navigate the American dream, Rob had given over the power of his life to a corporate identity of a 9 to 5 existence.
That identity extracted its pound of flesh daily. He believed control over his life was non existent and he was tired, burned out and searching for meaning. A corporate downsizing was the final straw and he knew it was time for a radical change. He allowed someone whom he trusted to speak into his life. He was coached on the possibility of what it meant to live his life to its fullest. And a bridge was built. Rob saw that his most significant pain could now be his crown. He created a new belief system that empowered him to regain power over his life. Rob now encourages men to break down their castle walls and build a bridge leading to their kingdom as they discover a life of empowerment. Enjoy the show. Hey, Rob. Good to see you my friend.
[00:01:31] Speaker B: Good to see you as well, Drew.
[00:01:33] Speaker A: I'm looking forward to this. Two guys who are working in the men's space trying to, trying to strengthen the world. I love it.
Want to first thank. I always like to thank who introduced me to my guests. So I'm going to give Larry call the credit for introducing us. So thank you, Larry. There's a reason why we get introduced to good people and it's awesome to build the relationship after you're introduced from somebody who have some aligned missions.
[00:02:06] Speaker B: Yeah, Larry's a good man. I've gotten to know Larry and I really appreciate him.
[00:02:11] Speaker A: Yeah, so do I. Absolutely. So thanks again for coming on.
So Rob, there's a reason why I wanted you on variety of reasons. I consider you a strong man. And I think in, I know in our country we are trying to build stronger men because a lot of stuff has happened where there are so many weak men out there because of variety of circumstances. And it's important in this world to have strong men aligned with strong women as that's the way we need, you know. So, you know, when we, when we grow up, you know, we're often told, and I, and I was taught this, that life is linear, that if we do certain things, then things are going to work out okay, A plus B plus C is going to equal D. And for a certain amount of time, depending different for each of us, life is linear until life gets in the way. So it's linear until it's not. And we end up having to make a decision when our life starts to go in more of a circuitous route. Now what I've noticed, and I've been all three of these men, sometimes I'm all three of these men in the same day. You have man number one, who has all these freaking blind spots and just doesn't notice anything and goes through life blindly just the way it is usually unfulfilled. And then you got man number two who notices all this adversity, yet he's playing the blame game and he says, you know, life is doing this to me. I'm the victim. This sucks. But this is life. And I'm just going to, you know, life sucks and then you die and you just go, then there's man number three. And I like to have man number three on this show. You are man number three. Man number three is that man, it could happen any time in life where the heightened self awareness and you notice the adversity and you get sick of it and say, you know what? There's got to be a better way. This is no longer a barrier. I'm seeing this challenge as an opportunity. I'm going to do things differently and take control of my life.
That's the root. I'm the journey I'm on right now. And I believe you are too. I am.
[00:04:08] Speaker B: Yes. Yes, I agree.
[00:04:10] Speaker A: So with that said, reach back as far as you need to and grab that defining moment. Whether it was a tap on the shoulder, the whisper in the ear, or like I needed the 2 by 4 upside the head to, for me to realize and for you to realize, damn, Rob, there's a better way to live and I'm going to change it.
[00:04:29] Speaker B: Yeah. For me, that, when I think about one of those seminal moments was in my marriage when I used to have a lot of anger. I kind of grew up angry and just had a lot of anger. And I kind of carried that, some of that anger into, into my marriage. And it got to a point where I realized, I gotta let this go. Because if I don't let this go, my wife has leave me. I've got to let this go. So I, you know, I, I had to come to that realization, had to have that, you know, come to Jesus, talk to myself and said, you got to let this go.
Just quit hanging on to so much stuff in your past and because, you know, I, I don't know why I would hang on to all this stuff in my past because it's over. I mean, it's, it's in the past. I, I can't change it. So why, why was I hanging on to some of these things? Because the, the anger that I was generating from that and the anger of my past, you know, it took me down some dark, dark alleys. It took me down some places where, you know, relationships were destroyed and.
[00:05:38] Speaker A: Took.
[00:05:38] Speaker B: Me down a road of, for one point, just some deep loneliness, very lonely, some very lonely times. And I, I, I never wanted to go through that again. Because, I mean, I love solitude. I love being, you know, solitude. But loneliness is something else. And that things, you're right. It's, yeah, it just, I, I never wanted to go down that road again.
[00:06:00] Speaker A: Yeah. So when you realize about holding on to that anger, it's one thing to decide to let it go, there's another thing, an action, like how you do it. And I'm sure there are a lot of men out there right now who are harboring onto some anger from their past. How did you let it go?
[00:06:22] Speaker B: Yeah, one of the best things that I did is I just started connecting with other men, joining different men's groups, support groups, and really getting to know men. Because one thing that's true about most men, we're great at making connections that can be a mile wide but an eighth of an inch deep.
[00:06:41] Speaker A: Yeah, so true.
[00:06:43] Speaker B: And so I, you know, I knew, hey, it's more important to go deeper with those relationships. Go as deep as you possibly can.
You know, the one, one thing that I've read years ago and I've always remembered this is, you know, about the giant redwoods. Beautiful trees, magnificent trees. But if you were to go to a giant redwood and you cut every tree around it down, that redwood can't stand, it's going to fall over. And the reason, the reason it's going to fall over because the only way it's able to stand, you know, three or 400ft high, is that its roots inter, intertwine with the other roots of the other trees, the other redwoods around it, and they support it. Each of those trees, support each the other tree in order for it to stand. And as men, we need other men in our life to support us so we could stand. You know, we can't go it alone. Can't go it alone. You know, Rambo never won a war on his own.
[00:07:43] Speaker A: No, absolutely didn't.
[00:07:44] Speaker B: Never won the war on his own. As much as Hollywood wants you to make a believe that that's not how it happened, it didn't.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: So And I love, I love that analogy with the, with the trees, because the, the more that we men grow by, expand by spreading our wings and getting to know more people and building our connections, that's. Then our roots are growing deeper as we go out there outside our comfort zone. And as men, we're taught not to show our emotions or ask for help or that. And so since we don't know, we listen to what we're told. We don't know how to do it. And there is a lot of isolation. You mentioned solitude. I believe there's a difference between.
There's a choice when you have solitude and there's. Isolation usually is involuntary.
And many men are just isolating themselves because they're not comfortable sharing what's going on. You know, they're not going to share with their family, they're not going to share it with their co workers, and they're not going to share it with their friends from high school because rarely do you go beneath the surface. So, you know, how do you find those men who are willing, who are looking to grow per. In personal development and meet other men and connect? How do you do it?
[00:09:05] Speaker B: You know, for me, where I originally found those men was just through my church community. Okay. That's how I found them. Right. So, you know, back in, when I first became active within my church, there was a viral movement to bring men together.
I like this because I needed that. My wife saw it in me that I needed that, and, you know, she encouraged me and I, I enjoyed it, you know, and there's plenty of different ways to do it, and I, I just seek them out. I seek them out.
A lot of it was through my faith community. But a lot of. There's other ways as well that I have found. Just, you know, just taking the time to listen to another man listen. That's one of the greatest gifts we can give to somebody is just to listen.
[00:09:54] Speaker A: That's so true.
[00:09:54] Speaker B: Passing judgment, just listen.
[00:09:58] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a very good point. Because what usually happens to us when we're speaking with the wrong people, there's us unsolicited advice, right? Telling us what we should be doing.
And if you can find that safe space with other men who are just going to listen, that unsolicited advice doesn't happen and the judgment doesn't happen. And you're right, it is a comforting thing. There's actually nothing better as far as conversations go, to have a deep conversation with a man who's willing to share his thoughts. And there are many men out There who have issues where they think they're the only one out there. So it almost behooves us to tell our stories so people can feel the only one on the island.
[00:10:40] Speaker B: You're right. And you got to build that trust. If I'm going to share my deepest stuff with, I got to know that I got to trust them, that that trust takes a little bit. That trust takes some time.
And building that trust is something that you got to be intentional about. And you. You got to be willing. You got to be open to. To doing that. And there's nothing that can be violated quicker than violating somebody's trust. Somebody violates my trust. I. To take a line from Mr. Wonderful, you're dead to me. I'm sorry. You're dead to me.
[00:11:19] Speaker A: So true. I mean, it's. It's. It's very. Yeah, it's a. It's a challenge to get to earn trust back. And. Yeah. So, you know, so let's say. Let's get to the point where you. You got rid of your anger, right. You addressed it, you faced it, you dealt with it in a healthy way.
What types of things improved in your marriage to allow you to. I don't know if we feel comfortable is the. But feel more fulfilled in your marriage. What did you notice?
[00:11:50] Speaker B: I noticed my wife respected me a lot more.
And that's important. That's important. You know, as. As men, we want to be respected.
[00:11:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: And, you know, I'll kind of circle back to my faith.
There's a command in the Bible that says, women, you are to respect your husband, but it says, husbands, you are to love your wives fully. There's a big difference between. There's a difference between love and respect.
[00:12:17] Speaker A: Yes, there is.
[00:12:20] Speaker B: But knowing my wife respects me and have I done some knucklehead takes? Oh, 100, 100. I mean, I'm a corporate burnout survivor. I've been through three corporate downsizings, and each one, I feel like I failed her in some way.
But she's showed faith in me. She's, you know, continues to respect me, and that's beautiful. So it works over.
[00:12:45] Speaker A: Yeah, it's definitely worth it, man. And, you know, the fact that you. That she stuck with you is huge. I'm sure you built a strong foundation prior to working on that, right? Otherwise.
[00:12:59] Speaker B: Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And that's important. You've got to know your personal truths, because I. I think a lot of people have don't know their truth. They just believe something because, hey, everybody else believes it. So damn It, I'm gonna believe it.
[00:13:14] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:13:15] Speaker B: I mean, that's, you know, you, you got to know what it is. You know, you got to know those truths.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: Absolutely. Absolutely. And then, and then you don't want, you can't waiver with those truths because that's respect comes in. Right. If you, if you, if you waver on those truths, the respect is crumbles.
[00:13:31] Speaker B: Well, well, that's your foundation. That's your foundation of life. Because when you have that foundation of life, you're going to make choices and decisions. They're going to rest on that foundation.
When your truths are solid and that foundation solid, you're making. Right. Choices and decisions that serve you, serve your family, serve your business, serve your community, serve whatever it is you're wanting to do.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: With that. Let's, let's talk about that corporate burnout issue, because I've been there too, with the corporate burnout.
There comes a point when you're in corporate where you're tested and tested with backing down with your standards and all and all the stuff you talked about. And that for me was a lot of my burnout because I'm fighting my integrity with what the company wanted me to be like. How did. Tell me about the corporate burnout. How when you noticed it, how you may have changed as a person in a not a good way and how you got yourself out and back on your feet.
[00:14:32] Speaker B: Oh, well, you know, I noticed it that I was, you know, you've seen, I'm sure you've seen the studies that I think I've seen it as high as 85% of the people in corporate workforce are disengaged. Well, I was one of that 85%.
Many times I was disengaged for a variety of reasons. You know, I could have been. I just didn't feel fulfilled in this, in this position.
I, I, I tried to take it as a perspective. All right, I'm going to be a good corporate soldier and, and do what, you know, do what's expected of me and just do it to the best. But, you know, it just, it just led to me starting to understand that as success was defined to me in corporate, all right, this is what you got to do to be successful.
[00:15:17] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:15:17] Speaker B: All right, all right. So I get on that, get on that race and start pursu success. And what started to burn me out was I realized that every time I was about ready to cross that finish line as it was defined to me, it was ed have been moved. They moved. Either either a new policy had come down from on high or they brought a new sheriff into town. You're like, damn it, I got to start all over again.
And it just. It just wears you out. It wears you out. One thing that I just really discovered, my, like, epiphany.
Start looking for significance. Significance first. Success follows behind it. Don't just chase after success. Don't. Don't let your identity be this nine to five. Because I've seen, you know, too many. Too many men, they make their identity 9 to 5. You know, how often. How often do we go out or, you know, go to a networking meeting or whatever, go to the golf course or whatever? What's the first thing? A manual. What do you do?
[00:16:14] Speaker A: What do you do? What do you.
[00:16:15] Speaker B: They measure. They measure you by what you do. So they measure you by what? Hey, I'm a corporate attorney. Oh, my goodness. You're way up here or whatever it may be.
[00:16:24] Speaker A: That's right.
[00:16:24] Speaker B: Measure you by. By what you do. And that is so disingenuous, because some of the greatest men, some of the greatest men I've ever had in my life have had those positions of.
In their life, work, life, that you would think, huh? All right. But they have been some of the most significant and impactful men I've had in my life because they were grounded. They knew who they were, and they knew what was important in their life. Yeah.
[00:16:54] Speaker A: And that's a very good point. And. And many times, if somebody decides to ask us a different question, not what you do, but who are you? Who is Rob Fenster Maker? There are many men who go right to what they do to define who they are. And that was always a challenge for me. So for you, leaving corporate and going into entrepreneurship, how did you handle that 9 to 5 identity crisis?
[00:17:26] Speaker B: Were you able to share?
[00:17:27] Speaker A: I'm still struggling.
[00:17:28] Speaker B: Well, you know, the struggle with that, I've got passive. Originally, the struggle was I tried to go into the entrepreneurial world with a corporate mindset.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Me, too.
[00:17:40] Speaker B: I realized real fast, this is not going to work. So I had to get some stuff figured out once corporate. I was done with corporate. And the finale for me was I was released during COVID I was like, you know what you thought about lesson after two downsizings. But I guess I was a glutton for punishment and had to go back for more. You know, give me more, governor. Give me more.
I'm like, peace out. I'm done with you.
[00:18:12] Speaker A: I love it. Oh, God. So, yeah, I think for me, my biggest challenge was realizing that I owned my calendar. Like, My calendar did not have to be dictated by somebody else, you know, and that, and it's been only. I've been doing this for like five years. It's only been recently where I realized, hell, I can run an errand at one o'clock in the afternoon if I feel like it. Yeah, that's a good feeling.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: Exactly. Exactly. I mean, you know, 10:00 this morning, I was sitting in a barber chair getting a haircut and a beard just because I needed it. So there you go.
[00:18:47] Speaker A: Absolutely.
One more entrepreneurial challenge. When you found your passion and you wanted to do what you're doing now, the realization that you can't do it for free, that you need to learn how to monetize what you do, how did you handle that realization and still enjoy what you do?
Because that's been a challenge that I've had.
[00:19:12] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. To me, I knew that. Or I know that when someone works with me, I'm going to change their life. Yeah, I'm going to change the life. And so that is the impetus and you know, the greatest investment we can make is investment. Investing in ourselves. That's it. Because you're investing in, you're investing in that time. And time is our greatest asset. Yes, time is our most valuable asset. And too many people don't understand that. I mean, you can lose all your money and get it all back. Yeah. You can lose your house and get it back. You can lose your car. You know what, you can even lose your life and get it back.
[00:19:50] Speaker A: I've heard that happen. Yeah, no, it's a good point.
[00:19:53] Speaker B: But once you lose time, there is no getting it back. It's gone.
You know, the, and, and I'm convinced of the reason of that is I'm a person of faith. God does not, God does not live within the continuum of time. No, he gives us, thus he. He gives us, us, Gives us time as a blessing.
But the expectation is we're going to use it in a way that we appreciate the time we have.
[00:20:22] Speaker A: Absolutely. The appreciation, I think, is, is, is one thing that most of us do not appreciate. Appreciate appreciation. Like that first breath in the morning. When we talk about gratitude, you know, we all want, we talk about all these things we want, but the thing is that, that you get up and you can breathe in the morning. That's pretty cool, you know?
[00:20:45] Speaker B: Yeah. Too many people do that comparison game. You know, they're like, well, hey, they've got a brand new house or a brand new car. I guess I'm, I'm worthy You know.
[00:20:56] Speaker A: You know.
[00:20:56] Speaker B: Yeah. And you, even when we do that comparison game and we look at Joe and Sally and what they have.
[00:21:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:05] Speaker B: Well, we don't really know what's going on there. We can think we know what's going on there. We don't know. Hey, man, are they, are they living this Dom Perry own lifestyle on a paps blue ribbon budget to impress everybody?
[00:21:18] Speaker A: Good point.
[00:21:19] Speaker B: Or are they legitimately there so, you know, be comfortable with where you're at?
[00:21:24] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: You know that and you know, that's, I think I've always been able to handle that and I've never been one, you know.
[00:21:32] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:21:32] Speaker B: What we like nicer stuff.
[00:21:34] Speaker A: Yeah, of course. Yeah.
[00:21:35] Speaker B: But we got, we, we got to understand the difference, our wants and our needs.
[00:21:40] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:21:41] Speaker B: And too many people conflate the two.
[00:21:44] Speaker A: Very, very true. Absolutely. So tell, tell me and tell the audience what you work, what you do now like, like in your business and, and what a day in the life of Rob Fenster Maker is.
[00:21:57] Speaker B: What do I do? You know, we, we all get on this journey of life, of things we want to accomplish in life. And the one guarantee of life, no one's immortal is life is going to happen to you. It's guaranteed. Guaranteed. It's happened to me several times.
And when, when life happens, some people get thrown off that course and they get stuck in that rut. That rut. And they don't know what to do. They can't get out. Now what I tell them, the only difference between a rut and a grave is depth and intervention. So don't take what you want to the grave with you. So what do I do? I get them out of the rut. I get them out of the rut by, you know, helping them to build that solid foundation for their lives, bring clarity to what it is they want to accomplish. Clarity is so important.
You got to be clear. And the words you, the words we use are powerful. Use those words that bring clarity to what it is you really want to accomplish and get an action. You know, I, I get so sick of hearing people say, oh, I need the perfect time. And first off, perfect time doesn't exist. Even, even if they, how they describe that perfect time were to happen to them, they would still negotiate their way out of it.
[00:23:02] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:23:03] Speaker B: I call it imperfect action. You just, you got to take the imperfect action.
[00:23:06] Speaker A: Just do it.
[00:23:07] Speaker B: Just do it. I love them and become. I, I, I call it become that soul on fire. Because to me, fire lights the way fire purifies. We all have that fire within us. We do, we do. Think of the things, you know, the things you dreamed when you were a little kid. And you know, the world will beat those out of our children.
And we have, we have those dreams for a reason. Yeah. A lot of times we spend too much time. What if, what if, what if, you know, stop with the what ifs in life. What ifs are going to get you nowhere. Just do something about it. And that's what I do. I get the people out of that what if cycle. I get them in action and I get them moving clearly on what it is they want to accomplish.
[00:23:48] Speaker A: I love that. Now I know you do that in a variety of ways. You do the one on one coaching.
What else do you do? I know you have some communities that you, that you host, that I want you. What else do you.
[00:23:59] Speaker B: I have a couple. How else do I have a couple? Yeah, I have a couple communities. I share one's called Iron Sharpens Iron and that's primarily focused for men as far as, you know, bringing just men together and just, you know, have some conversations, being comfortable to have those conversations. I host another one I call the Virtual Friday Whiskey Hour. That's, that's something that I just kind of started as a fun thing, but it's kind of taken a life of its own. And again, it's just a community that's open to anyone, men and women. I actually, I always love it when the women come because they actually bring some great insights. We just have conversations. Yeah, we just have conversations about something that's of interest to me and I just kind of throw it out there and just get the conversation started, see where it goes.
[00:24:39] Speaker A: Beautiful. Now, you also mentioned the term imperfect action. You have, don't you have a show or you have people?
[00:24:44] Speaker B: Yes, yes, I have the show called. I call the show called the Imperfect Action Live Stream. I just bring people on and we just have a conversation. Just letting them share with a little bit with who they are. And we just have that conversation, you know, how they serve people. Because I, again, to me, the only action to take is the imperfect action.
[00:25:04] Speaker A: I love it.
[00:25:05] Speaker B: That, that, that's where you learn more about yourself and you know, don't be afraid of failure. Yeah, failure, something's powerful. Failure is so powerful because we, we learn more of ourselves in times of failure anyways than we do in times of success. And I've had those moments of success where I have been so such a knucklehead. I have turned those moments of success into moments of failure. So you got to Guard those moments of success too.
[00:25:30] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. Do. I love that. Well, I certainly think that the audience has captured the essence of Rob Fenstermaker. So audience out there, you're going to want to get in touch with this guy. Go to Rob's website, robfenstermaker.com his calendly link is on there. Get on his calendar. Have a conversation. You don't know what you don't know. And, and you, you will definitely have a, an inspiring conversation. And don't wait to call him. Take imperfect action and get on. This guy's perfect.
[00:26:02] Speaker B: Yes. And I say, you know, you got to know your main thing because once you know your main thing, keep your main thing as your main thing and you'll go well in life. So, so true.
[00:26:10] Speaker A: That's so true. All right, so I can talk to you forever, but we're gonna round, we're gonna getting towards the end. I have two questions for you, Rob. Okay, you are sitting right next to 7 to 10 year old Rob right now and you want to give him advice about life.
What are you going to tell your younger self?
[00:26:32] Speaker B: Don't be angry. I let anger control my life for too long. Don't be angry. Just let it go. Let it go.
[00:26:41] Speaker A: That's awesome advice. All right, so now you're going to put a different hat on. And now you're sitting down with young Rob, the young businessman, entrepreneur, post corporate burnout stuff, and you're sitting down with him to give him advice about business. What are you going to tell him?
[00:27:02] Speaker B: Be intentional with your time. Be very specific on how you're going to spend your time.
Write it out, be clear on it.
[00:27:11] Speaker A: I love that. And you know what? That advice is ideal for even before burnout, Rob.
[00:27:18] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, right, right. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
[00:27:21] Speaker A: That advice goes for all the time, no matter what you're doing in life. Rob, I want to thank you for not just coming on, but coming into my life. My friend.
This, this, we're building a special relationship here and I just want to tell you to keep doing what you're doing. You're a good human being and you're helping a lot of people out there. My man.
[00:27:41] Speaker B: Thank you. I appreciate the opportunity, I appreciate the opportunity to know you as well.
[00:27:45] Speaker A: Wonderful. Hey everybody out there, take care of yourselves.
Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe and give us a review. To help others find it, I'd like you to answer this question. Are you living the life you want to live or are you living the life others want you to live? I'D like you to think about that for a second, because I strongly suggest you live the life you want to live. If you want to learn more about what I stand for and my services and how I'm able to help many men get out of their own way, please go to my website at www.prophetcompassion.com.
feel free to also email me at Drew at Profit Compassion. I'd love to have a conversation with you. Take care of yourself and choose to write your own story instead of letting others write it for.
