Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:09] Speaker B: The podcast for those who find themselves immersed in adversity and choose to write their story instead of having others write it for them. I'm Drew Duraney, and I'm your host.
Today's guest is Sheila Williams. Sheila Williams is a mindset coach who helps midlife men ditch the pressure of having it all and find the joy in creating a life that actually feels fulfilling. With a background in education and corporate training, Sheila brings a mix of expertise and adventure to the table, helping clients reframe their mindset, boost confidence, and embrace new possibilities. A nomadic traveler at heart, Sheila believes you can create meaningful change without burning out or losing your spark.
Enjoy the show. It's good to see you, Sheila. How are you?
[00:00:59] Speaker A: I am doing so well, too. Thanks so much for having me here today. I'm really excited for our conversation.
[00:01:04] Speaker B: It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. So I always love before we hit record, we chat in the beginning and everything and had a little technical difficulties, which we're going to plow through, and everything's fine.
It's a pleasure to see you.
When my audience knows this, I always like to thank the individual who introduces me to my guest. So David Quick, you. You beat Jojo Laricia to the punch because David introduced me first. David Quick to Sheila and then Jojo. So Jojo, thank you as much as David, but David was first. So anyway, guys, thanks. There's got to be a good reason why, and we know that's. This is a good introduction.
So, you know, I often talk about how when we're young, that we're taught life is linear, that we're told life is a straight path. If you do A plus, B plus, C, in that order, D is going to happen.
And for the most part, early in our life, there is a straight path. Until there's not.
Until that external circumstance kind of gets in the way of one of those letters and kind of derails that straight path into a more securitious one.
And that circuitous path then offers a choice.
Do we notice the adversity and change something, or do we ignore it? I fully believe there's three types of people in this world, and for Sheila's sake, there's three types of women.
Woman number one has a ton of blind spots. She doesn't see the adversity. Life is the way it is. She just proceeds in life on autopilot and does what she's supposed to do, and nothing changes. And then there's woman number two. Woman number two sees the adversity, recognizes it acknowledges it, yet she says, I'm the victim.
Everything else is to blame. Life is doing this to me.
I can't do anything about it. And she lives on autopilot and doesn't change anything. And boy, on her, on her deathbed, there's a ton of regrets because she knows she could have done something. And then finally there's woman number three. And that's the women I have on this show.
That's Sheila Williams.
Woman number three is the woman who's got a heightened self awareness, sees the adversity and says to herself, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is not a barrier. This adversity is an opportunity. It's an opportunity for me to take massive action, do something differently, become a stronger woman on the other side.
So, Sheila, for the audience, if you could reach back as far as you need to for that defining moment, whether it was the tap on the shoulder, the whisper in the ear, or like, I needed my 2 by 4 upside my head, that kind of transformed you from the woman you were to the woman you are now and how that transformation shaped you personally and professionally.
[00:03:49] Speaker A: Drew, I love this question. I'll admit I've been listening to quite a few of your your back podcasts, and it is fabulous. Fascinating to me how it feels when you have that moment and in listening to your guests describe what it's been for them. And there's no question that I was, I believed, living that linear life that, as you said, I was taught, this is exactly how you do it.
And then I did. I kind of got the 2 by 4 version.
I had the few, you know, hiccups along the way, and I thought, this is as bad as it gets. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep plowing through. I like the, the way you use.
But I wasn't really learning anything. I wasn't seeing the world differently. I just thought, as you said, like, well, that happened to me, so I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen to me again.
And I thought that I really was on that journey of discovering who I was.
But then it was actually in 2016, I was in a relationship that I thought, yes, I finally did everything right. I ticked all the boxes and I finally earned my place to be in this new life. And it was, was. It was a whole new life that I had created. My kids were getting older. I have three beautiful adult children now. And I found this person I thought was going to be the love of my life forever and ever and felt Very secure in that. So it was quite a surprise to be blindsided by the fact that he, in fact was having an affair and we were, you know, kind of done, but maybe not. And that was just a whole gross, messy situation.
And yet how wonderful for me that it was, because of course, at that time when it happened, I was back in my own mindset of like, why is this happening to me?
And within six months, I understood it was the best thing that could have ever happened because it gave me that chance to have the wake up call and to realize I couldn't keep going on like, that something did need to shift. And as most of us do figure out, that the only thing that ever needs to shift is ourselves.
Because as the hero of our own story, this right here, this is where it all does need to change.
And I did, once and for all, I'd like to think, although there's always room for improvement, I understood the pivot.
And I did realize that my life did reflect where my thoughts were, where my focus was going.
And I believe that our beliefs that we hold so strongly to, they are just thoughts that we keep thinking. And so if things aren't going the way that we think we want them to, we need to turn that focus to ourselves and understand what thoughts are we thinking? What are we holding on to as those beliefs? Because we can change those thoughts if we want to. We are in fact, the only ones who can change those thoughts. And when we understand that we have that full power to decide where to put our thoughts and our focus, that means we can start putting it in a place that does feel better.
And like, that's, that's the game changer for when you get to that point, when you understand. I've had the power all along. I have been empowered, but I've been choosing to give it away. I've been looking to others. I've been reacting to everything going on and thinking that it's all them and, and that I'm powerless.
And then when you flip that on its head and realize, oh, wait a second, I can create my own reality, it is for me to own if I want to. It's always a choice. Yeah, but for me, that shifted it all.
[00:07:43] Speaker B: What kind of got you to that point, though? When someone does cheat on you, the average person believes, well, I guess I'm not worthy of a nice relationship. How did you believe in yourself enough to say, enough is enough, I deserve better? Like, what do you think it was? Was it looking at your kids? Was it looking in the mirror? Was it just being sick and tired. I'm just really curious.
[00:08:12] Speaker A: I think because of the whole messy aftermath that I was referring to.
I think because of how ridiculous it did get because of him saying, no, I'm not done. Yes, I am done. It was. It really was a time that I couldn't. I couldn't not see it, where I finally understood, oh, my goodness, what are. What game are you playing? Because this is my life and my heart and a future.
And for him, it was a game. And I think it really was. It was like taking the blinders off and understanding this. This really is the. The end. And from here, now what? Because it has to go somewhere, and I don't want to go through this again.
[00:08:58] Speaker B: Right.
[00:08:58] Speaker A: So that means it's time to clean house and the mental health.
[00:09:03] Speaker B: All right, let's get into the now. What. What if you can remember what was the first thing you. You did did? Was it shift the thoughts? Was it a behavior, an action? What do you think?
[00:09:16] Speaker A: Well, they're all very intertwined, for sure. But what I was noticing was the.
The thought patterns, for me, they kept looping, and they were still a little bit tied to that victim mentality and trying to process it. And that's when I again started to remind myself, wait a second, I want something different.
And it was a retraining of what am I focusing on? Because when I notice my thoughts are going, oh, that's never going to work out. It's that, wait a second. Do I want them to work out? Because if I do, it's on me to shift, shift this pattern, shift the words, shift the thoughts. And again, notice, for me, it was the biggest time of noticing that I was just reacting to everything outside of me.
And it was a matter of bringing that con, that. That empowerment back to me. I liked the idea of controlling things. Well, the only thing you can control is yourself and how you respond to things. And that was it. Again, I'm not saying it was overnight that the shift changed.
[00:10:20] Speaker B: Right, Right.
[00:10:21] Speaker A: But it was a matter of learning how to have the awareness, hearing it for myself. Wait a second. I'm thinking that thought again.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: I.
[00:10:30] Speaker A: Why am I looping this conversation, this imagined conversation?
That. That isn't anything that I want.
That's what needs to change. And it was just a matter of reprogramming my own.
[00:10:42] Speaker B: So with that reprogramming, you had a support system available, right. Because you have three older children. Did you tap into that support system?
Because a lot of times we have the resources, we're just not resourceful you know.
[00:10:58] Speaker A: I agree. 100. Yes. My youngest son was the only one at home and certainly I, he's, I used him as a model in many ways because he is a very balanced person. Maybe because he's the third child.
Very independent, but also very authentic. He was always authentic to himself growing up. Like, I do want this and I don't want that and, and I'm okay. Like I don't. If everyone else is doing it, it doesn't matter because I don't want it. So he wasn't swayed in that way, which I loved. Paying more attention to, noticing how he was honoring his own desires.
And so using that, obviously having more fun was a big shift. Turning the focus more to play. We would go out, we would go to a play, we would go rollerblading, we would do all kinds of things together. He was 16. He was very, very compassionate and just like, okay, mom needs, mom needs a friend today. And so we would do things together. And I think that, that again, it's shifting the focus more to what's. Towards what you do want, that energy that you want.
[00:12:06] Speaker B: Yep, absolutely. I love that and I love that he has that skill set at whether he was born with or taught or whatever it was, for whatever reason for you to be able to learn from your child. Because many of we parents, we can learn from our kids and we don't realize.
So I'm so glad you took advantage of that, of the resource, of having your, your level headed son there. And I'm wondering, because he was a male, I know that you do coaching now and you mostly coach men.
I'm curious, when all this was going on, what were you doing professionally and how did all of that shift?
[00:12:50] Speaker A: Wow. Yes. Lots of shifting. In fact, I had been a teacher and I had through the years moved into a corporate trainer role and I had recently left the corporate training role to actually open up a childcare in my home. It had been something I'd done when the kids were really little and I knew that I was ready for a change. And so I remembered how much fulfillment I got from working with young children.
And I thought, this is something that's really bold and new.
And then of course, when the relationship ended and I needed to move, I needed to close down that business. And so it really did. Again, a gift that I wasn't thinking, what I worked so hard to make this, you know, why do I have to put it up? Well, what a gift for me because again, it allowed me to explore different options and I tried a few different Types of jobs.
Ultimately, I did end up back in corporate training, and that's what I stopped doing when I began coaching full time. So I did come full circle to the corporate training, but it was a very different role the second time around because again, with my thought processes being so different, I understood more of what I would want to be in a fulfilling role. And I was able to, to voice that and to express in, to myself as well as my, my company.
[00:14:09] Speaker B: Right. All right, so I love this. So now it's back in corporate training. Now you're going to leave it again. And I do know, I love that. I don't know if you said the word nomad, but the fact that, you know, your three children are grown and you. When I asked where you lived, I got a really cool answer. So tell the audience how, how much of a shift you've made where, you know and where your coaching takes you.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: Absolutely. And that's, I mean, to realize where I started from was, you know, three kids, the minivan, the mortgage, the, like, the sports, the scout. I was a scout leader for so many years and it really didn't get any more like, linear and predictable and, and parts of it were such a good life. I loved it. But where I am now is so much more reflective of, of how I want to explore the world because I do, in fact, live nomadically.
I do use pet sitting as a wonderful way to travel the world and have places to stay.
And that, of course, allows me to do the coaching anywhere I am, because I do the coaching online, on a zoom call or phone call, whatever is needed. So there's so much freedom and flexibility and opportunity to explore and as we talked about, find some of that fun because that's what I wasn't doing for so many years.
[00:15:31] Speaker B: I also love the pet sitting idea. It's a way to earn money and still have your business and help people. So, so why.
Why are you helping men?
Why?
[00:15:47] Speaker A: Oh, well, you know, I, I love my, my male clients so much.
So there was that just to start, like, want to think who are my favorite clients? Oh, actually I love all the guys. I love the conversations we have. I love where they're starting from and where they end up.
But I also, I think I've, I may have mentioned when we chatted the first time, whenever I'm on a networking call, I meet women coaches who declare very, very specifically that they work with women clients. And I think, well, who is out there expressly saying that they work with the man? And obviously, you know, I have met A few since then. I know that that was part of your business that you were doing before and, and even just listening to your podcast, I got to see and hear some, some really great men who are offering those services.
I do think sometimes that a woman coach does offer something different than a man does, obviously.
And I think that it is important that people have choice.
So why am I helping the men? A lot of it is honestly very selfish and personal.
I do believe that if my, you know, my first husband or this last partner who did the 2016 experience, I think that if they had had access to coaching.
[00:17:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:10] Speaker A: I think things could have end up very differently for them.
[00:17:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:14] Speaker A: And I understand the power of coaching because again, I had those same types of experiences that a lot of my guys do where they feel unhappy, but they also feel stuck. They, they have that bitterness and resentment and anger build because they just don't know what to do because they don't feel like they're allowed to fix it, to like to fix it, to leave.
[00:17:35] Speaker B: Absolutely.
I love the fact that you are helping men because we know that men and women think different, differently. And there are many men, myself included, who still are wondering how to, how to understand women. And so, you know, I have purposely worked with women now in like, like webinar settings and tossing back and forth what, how we think and how it's different. And it behooves us to really learn the thinking language of the other opposite gender because it'll enhance communication which then enhances relationships. So I love the fact that you can give or provide men a different way of thinking. And if he's open minded and willing to pursue a different way of thinking. We all have the ability, men and women with the. We have, we both have masculine and feminine energies. So we all have the ability to think differently. It's whether we have the willingness to do so.
[00:18:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:28] Speaker B: And I think you help with that willingness. I'm sure men coming to you are now open to, to grow and, and that probably makes your job a lot easier if they're willing grow.
[00:18:39] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:18:40] Speaker B: Otherwise, forget it.
Tell me one of your best successes as a coach in helping a male with whatever pain point it was, alleviating that pain.
[00:18:55] Speaker A: Well, I have a client and he was in a thought loop, a belief that he thought was very true, that no one was going, was getting anything done around the house that he had to do it.
And there was a lot of resentment built up around. He could see, let's whatever the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the, the household that even the bigger chores, how come no one was doing it?
And there was so much resentment about, well, I have to work an eight hour day, but I'm the only one who will get this all done.
And as I'm sure you can imagine, that was not very helpful in the relationship because any conversation was based on that idea of I have to do this.
And he has had an amazing breakthrough where we basically had our call and I said, here's the bottom line.
You have four choices.
You can choose to do it with anger and resentment, you can choose to do it without anger and resentment, you can choose not to do it with anger and resentment, or you can choose not to do it without anger and resentment. Like really? Yeah, it's that simple. It really is that simple.
[00:20:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:15] Speaker A: So which, which one feels better out of that list? And that's your new checklist. When you see something, you have full choice.
I can go do that and feel bitter about it, or I could choose to do it because it matters to me. I know it's going to feel better for me to just get the done.
[00:20:34] Speaker B: Right. Right.
[00:20:35] Speaker A: Or I can choose to just walk away again going, oh, no one else. Or you know what, it doesn't feel better for me to take care of it. So I am, I am actually going to let it go and just, I am going to be okay with that.
[00:20:49] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that with the four choices because it, it, it will empower the man to look into himself as to why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling the resentment? Am I feeling the resentment because I feel that she, whoever the significant others, doesn't feel I'm worthy or doesn't want to help me because then maybe a conversation is in order, but it helps to. And I call it mirror versus window accountability.
It's very, it's a lot easier to look out of the window and critique and judge the behavior of the person you see at the window as opposed to looking in the mirror and critiquing the judgment, the behavior of that individual you see in the mirror. Because that's you.
Right? And I think the way you offer those four choices helps the man look inward as to see, okay, what can I do differently and why do I feel this way? And it is, it is helpful.
But society doesn't set our days up to be able to really sit with ourselves and ask those questions.
Overwhelming, man, you know, So I love that approach.
So where are you actually right now?
Where are you living right now?
[00:22:04] Speaker A: Where am I right now? Oh, well, right now I am at a beautiful Pet sit just south of Ottawa, Ontario.
[00:22:11] Speaker B: I love it.
[00:22:12] Speaker A: And next week I'm going to venture over to the prairie provinces. I'm going to Alberta and again I'm going to see the family for a little bit and then I have a pet set arrange that I'll be at next week. And so it's such a great opportunity to, you know, as you say, help out. I love animals, but I don't necessarily want the responsibility of one full time. So I get the best of all the worlds like the dogs and the cats and nice homes.
[00:22:38] Speaker B: And there are times you're staying in the States too, right. So you could have, you have clients from the US and, and Canada and all. You can go all off across the world if you want, you know.
[00:22:48] Speaker A: Yes. Yeah. I spent six months in Europe of 2022. I actually spent six months overseas and I did pet sitting through England and France. So they're. The world is my oyster. It's just a matter of what feels better.
[00:23:01] Speaker B: You could actually be in France and still have clients from the US or Canada, but you just happen to be in France. And pet sitting. I love that. Everybody needs pet sitting. Right. Doesn't matter where they live. I love that. I love that.
Out of everything that you encounter in coaching, what would you say is the most humbling?
What's the most humbling?
[00:23:33] Speaker A: Well, I think feeling the connection that everyone on the foundation level, we're all the same.
It doesn't matter what the background looks like or the bank account. We really all have a lot of the same questions and insecurities.
And I think it.
I have so much respect for people who are willing to be vulnerable with someone and stake that claim. Like, I want something different.
I want, I want this life, but I also want to feel happier.
And I think that it's.
It's definitely not a sign of weakness to ever get to that point. It is the absolute sign of strength. And it is humbling to me to, to see the, the men and the women who are willing to, to do this and to understand it might not be easier overnight, but it doesn't have hard either. I'm open to allowing it to be what it needs to be.
[00:24:36] Speaker B: Yeah. Now I, I certainly a strength and I give credit to the men who are opening themselves up to working with Sheila because we guys, we can't do this alone. And, and it's important. I love the choices that you can go to a male coach or a female coach. You need to go with somebody who you're aligned with and who you feel A connection with.
That's the best way. Best way to be. Authenticity is the best way to be. It's not the easiest, but it's, I think it's the best way to be.
So I would say that the audience certainly has captured the essence of Sheila Williams and you guys, guys especially going to want to get in touch with Sheila. Best way to do so would be go to Sheila's website, which is sheilawilliamscoaching.com and what's awesome is Sheila is offering a 30 minute complimentary or free consultation. So if you go on her website, you'll see her calendar link on every page.
Book a book, a complimentary call.
It's well worth it. And you'll know right away that if you have that connection and that alignment.
Sheila, anything that I'm missing that we haven't discussed that you want the audience to be aware of?
Anything you're working on or tips or tricks?
[00:25:50] Speaker A: Oh, gosh.
I think that one of the best changes that people can make for themselves today is to give themselves the chance to ask some new questions when they have thoughts.
So for instance, if you're looking at traffic and you're like, oh, it's going to take me forever to get home, give yourself the chance to say, what if it doesn't?
What if it doesn't? Or what if it does work out? What if it feels really good to take a little bit longer? I'm listening to that audiobook. This is going to give me a chance to listen to a bit more like little, little shifts. These tiny microhabits can make such a big difference in our life. So in fact that might be the thing. I have a guide on my website you can sign up. It's for 10 microhabits that can help shift and sometimes it's just these little things, like that's going to be hard. What if it wasn't? What if it was easier than I thought it was going to be? It opens the door to so many possibilities.
[00:26:56] Speaker B: All right, so take advantage of those 10 micro hacks, guys. Free up on the website. I love that.
So, two final questions. All right, so I'm going to give you the opportunity. Put yourself, visualize, you're in your happy place and you're sitting down with 7 to 10 year old Sheila Williams and you want to give her advice about life.
What are you going to tell her?
[00:27:19] Speaker A: Oh, I think that's an easy one. It's let yourself tune in more to what you want and worry much less about what you think everybody else expects of you.
[00:27:34] Speaker B: Wow, I love that. That's powerful and that, that could be at any age, especially those 7 to 10 years old, because if we only care about what we.
What's important to us, you start on that linear path in a safer way. That's for sure.
All right, so different scenario. Put a different hat on. Now you're sitting with young Sheila, the young businesswoman, young entrepreneur, and you want to give her advice about business. What are you going to tell her?
[00:28:01] Speaker A: Well, it might sound a little counterintuitive, but the advice I would give her is spend more time being and less time doing.
[00:28:13] Speaker B: I love that. So don't think so much.
[00:28:17] Speaker A: You know, especially some of us who might claim that we used to be overthinkers.
We are just, we distract ourselves with a lot of busy work and a lot of to do lists. And we're missing, we're missing the journey and the fun, which is also, we're missing the opportunities for the creative ideas, for that free flow that is available.
And so, honestly, as an entrepreneur, I think that's where your power is, is to have the great idea and have the excitement and give yourself the space and time to let it take shape and not just think, okay, I know now I need to be so busy.
You never need to be that busy.
[00:28:54] Speaker B: It's a good point. Very good point. Love that advice. We need to take that advice.
Shel, I want to thank you for coming on, for being who you are, for coming into my life, whether it was via David Quick or Jojo Laricia.
Keep doing what you're doing. You are helping not only the men there, you're helping the women in their lives, too, by helping the men think differently and be different.
I give you a lot of credit for, for doing things differently and, and yeah, I admire what you're doing and, and who you are. So thanks again for coming on.
[00:29:28] Speaker A: Thank you so much. It was really great to have this conversation.
[00:29:31] Speaker B: Absolutely. Everybody out there, please take care of yourselves.
Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe and give us a review. To help others find it, I'd like you to answer this question.
Are you living the life you want to live or are you living the life others want you to live? I'd like you to think about that for a second because I strongly suggest you live the life you want to live. If you want to learn more about what I stand for and my services and how I'm able to help many men get out of their own way, please go to my website at www.prophetcompassion.com feel free to also email me at drewrophetcompassion.com I'd love to have a conversation with you.
Take care of yourself and choose to write your own story instead of letting others write it for you.
