[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign the podcast for those who find themselves immersed in adversity and choose to write their story instead of having others write it for them. I'm Drew Duraney and I'm your host.
Today's guest is Jeanne Dougherty. Jeannie Doherty is a former caregiver who became a money whisperer after losing both of her parents to Alzheimer's. She works with couples and entrepreneurs to make better financial decisions, improve financial communication, and make more money and become their own money whisperer. Enjoy the show. Jeanne, it's so good to see you.
[00:00:44] Speaker B: Thank you for having me, Drew.
[00:00:46] Speaker A: Oh, it's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. I'm looking forward to this. So, because I know you got a lot going on that we want the audience to know about, because I know a lot of what you're doing is going to help a lot of people, I always start with thanking the person who introduced me to my guest. So, Priscilla Lido, thank you so much for introducing Jeanne to me. She is wonderful like you told me she was. And we're gonna have a great discussion here, so the audience knows. They're familiar with me starting these. These discussions off with how when we're young, we're taught, and it's not a malicious teaching, we're taught that life is linear, that it's a straight path, that if we do A plus B plus C, we're going to get D. We do that stuff in that order. Everything's going to be fine.
For the most point, life is linear until it's not.
Ultimately, an external circumstance is going to get in the way of one of those letters and derail our straight path in life to more of a circuitous one.
When that happens, adversity rears its ugly head. And depending on our level of awareness, we see adversity differently.
I always talk about there's three different people out there. So for the sake of having Jeanne here, I'm going to say woman number one has a ton of blind spots. She doesn't even see the adversity because she's told to live her life a certain way, and she just does it and nothing changes. And then there's woman number two. Woman number two sees that adversity, and she says, I can't do anything about that. I'm a victim. Everything is else is to blame. Life is doing that to me. I can't change anything. And she goes about her life with no changes. And on her deathbed, she's got a ton of regrets. And then there's woman number three. The women I have on this show, it's Jeannie. Woman number three looks at that adversity and finally says, you know, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
That adversity is not a barrier. That's an opportunity for me to do something different, take control of my life and becoming a stronger woman on the other side.
So, Jeannie, I ask you, reach back as far as you need to for that defining moment, that tap on the shoulder, the whisper in the ear, or, like, what I needed two by four upside my head, that transformed you from the woman you used to be to the strong woman you are now.
[00:03:01] Speaker B: So I would say first. First and foremost, what kind of led me down this path of even becoming a Caregiver Conference founder is because both of my parents passed away from Alzheimer's. Uh, both of them.
There was no previous family history in either side. And so they both died fairly young.
And this was kind of the hand my family was dealt with. My parents were divorced at the time, and so my father went first. And that was obviously devastating. But it was really how my mother's death came about really shifted me dramatically. So I would say that I was probably woman number two whining and complaining about a lot of things, but for good reason, because a lot of things were also being hidden from me.
And so I didn't really know. We didn't really know how bad it was until it was confirmed at her death about the level of financial exploitation that another family member did with her estate.
And this does happen quite often. I mean, like, I've mentioned it, and some people who are lawyers or in the financial. They're like, oh, yeah, this happens all the time. And it's true. We have, at least from statistical standpoint, about 30% of all family members are stealing from other family members. And we think that number is low. We think it's actually much higher.
But I want to tell you about my defining moment. So we had. We were in litigation after she had died, because we were trying to figure out what was dropped. So we were beneficiaries, my sisters and I and this other family member. You know, they intentionally dropped any additional money that we could have gotten because they didn't want us to have that money. A little vengeful, I guess so. And sort of the defining moment for me was I was. My mother was finally buried where she wanted to be buried, and she was at the grave site in Pennsylvania. Valley Forge, to be specific. And so I drove all the way up there because I wanted to have some closure for myself.
This Other family member insisted on going, and I said no, and it was probably a good thing they didn't.
And I got there. It was on a Sunday, and I can't find my mother.
She's supposed to be buried there, and the office is closed because it's Sunday. It's incredibly quiet. People are coming in, and they're paying their respects and talking to their families, their loved ones, and obviously the deceased. And I cannot find my mother. I ran through the entire graveyard, and I collapsed, and I was shaking, and I was so enraged because, again, another lie had happened.
And what I learned from that experience was that I was not going to let this kill me, but I was going to make darn sure there were going to be changes. And I didn't know what the changes were going to be in the future, but I was going to make damn sure that nobody else was going to have to run through a graveyard to find their mother. It turns out she was buried. But this person, this family member, refused to pay for a headstone even though it was already set aside.
All of that money, they had spent it.
[00:06:09] Speaker A: Unbelievable.
[00:06:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
Yeah. So sometimes when we're yelling and complaining and whining, it's because we have been faced with a situation that seems insurmountable.
[00:06:19] Speaker A: Right.
Wow. Thank you for sharing that. That's. That is extremely powerful. God, there's so much there.
When. When dad was diagnosed Alzheimer's, obviously, your initial reaction was, I would think, shock.
[00:06:37] Speaker B: Yeah. I didn't really know my father.
Like, I just turned 18 when my dad was diagnosed, so I didn't really know what this meant.
The doctors couldn't give us any good information.
His wife at the time, my stepmother, she didn't really know, and it was just sort of a situation that he was not getting better. But we were given a lot of false hope. And that's. And part of that is the drug companies at that time, oh, take this medication. It'll work. And so Aricep did nothing. My father was on a trial. Nothing. Didn't do anything for him.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: Right.
Unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. The pharmaceutical stuff is another story in and of itself.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:24] Speaker A: How many years in between dad passing from Alzheimer's to your mom passing from Alzheimer's?
[00:07:33] Speaker B: It was 17 years.
[00:07:34] Speaker A: 17 year gap.
[00:07:35] Speaker B: My dad was a little bit older than my mom, but, like, that's what I mean. They were not old people when they died.
[00:07:41] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. All right, so now, mom, you didn't find out. When did you find out she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's? Was that another lie that you didn't know. You didn't?
[00:07:51] Speaker B: Yes. So, I mean, again, financial expectations can take all kinds of forms. But this particular family member was big on control. So I had been saying, and my sisters had been saying, she's not right. Have. She's gone to the doctor. What's going on? I asked. And I would always get, well, I don't know. And the doctors aren't telling me anything. And I was like, what? So I went out there and I found the medication with her name on it. Aricept again with my mother's name on it. And I said, oh, she have Alzheimer's and dementia, because this is what this med's used for.
They did this with my dad. And they were like, well, I guess so. They're still not really clear.
The lies run deep.
[00:08:31] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness.
Whether it was this family member, the official caregiver of Mom. Yes.
So they had full control having their mom.
[00:08:40] Speaker B: Yes. But we were supposed to be part of that control. So the way the will and estate were written is that they might have been primary, but that we had to be conscious of, consulted and. And the consultation is where everything went to poo. That's a nice way of putting it.
[00:08:55] Speaker A: Well, I'm sorry all this happened to you. Obviously, you are a strong woman and you got through it once mom was buried, that they ended up putting the. The stone up. No, no.
Even to this day, no believable. All right, so let's.
Mom. All right, now you're.
You finally have decided that this isn't going to happen to anybody else. I'm going to get some answers and make some changes. Tell me what the first step was in making those changes.
[00:09:25] Speaker B: So this is one of those kismet kind of conversations that shows up. But all of a sudden I got a job to work as a contractor at the federal government here in the Washington, D.C. area.
And I actually ended up building a retirement readiness and caregiver program. So I helped thousands of employees. And so I kind of locally told my story, not in so detail about the. The cemetery and all those things. But, hey, you know, what conversations are you having now? Here's how you can prepare and prevent. Here's how you want to think about if somebody is just maybe not well, taking care of the finances, because many times the primary caregiver, depending on family dynamics, is somebody who might suffer with substance abuse. So they're taking their meds and they're maybe overspending or they can't keep track of the, you know, the money. So then you get into that kind of situation, or they're developing their own Alzheimer's, and so we don't really know.
And many families still to this day, like, the parents, will not talk about the money. They do not want to talk about their final wishes. And it's because it's assumed that my wife or my oldest daughter or oldest son will just take care of everything. But the problem is, if they pass away or they're incapacitated, who's next?
[00:10:41] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.
So that you mentioned, who's next? A lot of us have those types of questions when we're surprised with something.
What was next after that?
[00:10:52] Speaker B: So I did that for about four years. And another piece that happened for me is that when I was in litigation and also still grieving, I took a lot of dance classes. And so I walked in one day after in dance class for, like, two years. I walked in one day, and next thing you know, there was on the wall, this flyer for dance and money. And I was like, I should go. And I did. I went. And when I went, I met my very first emotional, behavioral money coach, which is what I am now.
[00:11:23] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. Okay.
[00:11:24] Speaker B: Yeah. I was told, again, kismet. Just shows up and then you go, huh, I think I'll do this. Huh? I think I'll try this. And so I become a money coach. And it's been very, very exciting. I love what I do now. And I work with people's emotions and patterns. I sometimes work with people who have family caregiving situations, and I explained to them the risk and what the things they need to look out for and that they can't be the only one, the savior of the family.
[00:11:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: Because that's a big problem in families, is that we expect one or two people to handle it all. And it's like, no, they're going to die at a faster rate. Because that's what happened in the pandemic.
[00:11:58] Speaker A: Y. Yep.
[00:11:59] Speaker B: In the pandemic, I looked at the numbers, and people who were caregivers, parents as well, taking care of aging loved ones were dying at a 40% faster rate.
[00:12:09] Speaker A: And what do you think you attribute that to?
[00:12:12] Speaker B: Well, at the time of the pandemic, it was a little easier to isolate. It was because you couldn't leave your house or you couldn't, you know, a lot of your medical appointments were what pulled back. So there were people who had, you know, unfortunately ended up with terminal cancer, which if they had been able to go to their doctors and gotten the routine follow up, things would have been very different.
So that's Part of the problem number two, do caregivers actually pay attention to their own health?
Many of them do not. Not enough of them do. And so they try to slug it out and take care of it and just move and put out the next fire and do the next thing. So that's another major problem. But then I would say the third and final thing is, you know, what type of resources are there in their communities and are they able to access them?
[00:12:55] Speaker A: Right.
[00:12:56] Speaker B: I mean, one of the things that I noticed during the pandemic, people are like, well, why. Why don't we have that art center open? And you're like, that closed during the pandemic. Yeah. But why hasn't reopened? I was based on donations.
Like, you know, they tried, but they couldn't, and so they closed. And why would you think it's just automatically back. Back at work? This isn't a cvs.
[00:13:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:16] Speaker B: That's a corporation. And they're like, oh, good point, good point.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: Yeah. Often that caregiver burnout, with that stress can cause some physical ailments that could, you know, and in demise as well. And caregiver burnout is, I think, underreported and not as seriously taken. You know, it's taken for granted.
There should be a more heightened awareness of caregiver burnout and opportunities for caregivers to take care of themselves.
With that said, what are you doing? Tell us about. I love the term emotional in front of money coach. So let's talk about the emotional money coach, and then we're going to go into how you are a founder of events for caregiver about regarding caregiving.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: Sure, sure.
So one of the things that I really learned when I went to my dance workshop about emotions and money is that we broke down family rules and family rules with money.
And I was suddenly like, oh, this is why everyone, you know, not everyone, but why certain people in the family absolutely believe this other family member and supported them. Because at the end we said, oh, no, she did. They took the money. They were like, what?
And when you break down the emotions, you see, like, oh, the reason that you live in denial is because like you said, you're woman number one. You believe that this is just what the way life is or.
And of course, you don't really have any choice in the matter, and you just hope and pray and, you know, and that's all you can do. And that's not what can happen in families.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: No, no.
And you know this better than anybody. You make emotional decisions. When you're making decisions about Money, usually it's not the best decision when you base it on emotions.
[00:15:04] Speaker B: Well, I think we need to also get a little more clarity here for your audience. There is a creative force to money, which is happiness and joy and appreciation and gratitude, and then there is fear and worry and anger and rage and resentment.
Those are destructive emotions. So again, where do you live with your emotional decisions? And I haven't even used the almighty term of power, because power is a dynamic in all relationships, particularly with money. And many people still live by the old Spanish proverb, who has the bread, who makes the law? Which is, you know, another way of saying, who's got the money makes the law. And you know, again, we could all spiral out of control and be like, oh my God, we have no choice. That's not true.
We have many choices. It's a question of what are you going to do and how do you feel about it as you're doing it? Because if it's avoiding, you usually don't feel very good. If it's like, hey, I'm gonna sleep on this and see what I think about it in the next morning, that might be a little bit better for you. Or is it first thought, best thought? I really do need to take action here.
[00:16:10] Speaker A: You know, it's interesting because in this country we have what I think is four taboo topics we're told not to speak about freely, publicly. And, and I think the fact that we're told not to talk about it freely and we're uncomfortable, we also don't do it in our relationships. And that would be, I think, sex, money, religion and politics. Those four things, I think they're the four most important topics that young couples should be discussing before they decide to commit to a long term relationship. Because when one of those four topics comes up as a surprise during the marriage, that can uproot a lot. And money is one of those four.
Do you.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: Now of learning, speaking about those four topics when you're young in a relationship. So what are some of the detriments that, that happen when money is not discussed when a young couple decides to commit?
[00:17:07] Speaker B: So people always go back to the way they were raised because many times what we don't see as children is we don't understand how our parents made it through a money mistake. Didn't.
[00:17:16] Speaker A: Right.
[00:17:17] Speaker B: We just are kind of told like, we lost the house, but you won't be going to the school anymore. We're moving, we're moving to grandma's. Like, we don't, we're not told a lot and yet, you know, there are people who are like, we should fight in the garage or fight in the kitchen or fight after the kids go to sleep. And I'm not saying have an enraged conversation, but if you don't know how to fight about what it is that you want to do about anything in your relationship long term, then your kids are never going to understand how. How to navigate conflict, because that's part of the parental bias. In my. My experience working with money is that they hold their cards very close to them and they're like, everything's fine. It's all going to work out. They're getting divorced. Yeah, I guess everything's fine. If you're a child, you don't always understand that stuff. And I would say, look where it gets us when we don't talk about politics, money, you know, sex and religion. Like, I've asked more than one of my clients who's like, maybe doing some early dating, like, I want to focus on the money. I'm like, why don't you find out who they're voting for?
[00:18:19] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:18:20] Speaker B: So start there.
[00:18:22] Speaker A: Very, very true. So on the flip side, what are some positives of discussing money in a relationship early?
[00:18:30] Speaker B: So it's good to understand what the heck is equity, what is equality, and what is 50, 50 really mean? Because if you. Again, that dynamic, if you have a relationship, it's not always going to be 50, 50. Traditionally, more men make more money, but not always.
Sometimes women make more money than men. Right. And if you're in a relationship and your partner makes more money, doesn't matter the gender. How is that going to work out? Or how does that work with the family goals? Because I just had a conversation the other day with a couple, and this husband assumed their wife was, you know, like, why didn't you save more money now that you're not paying the car payment? And they go, it's going towards daycare. I'm paying for daycare every week. That's where the money's going to.
And they're like, oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, again, this inequity when it comes to caregiving. Because they're like, I think I might want to get a newer car. You know, And I'm. I don't know when we're going to be able to do that. And. And, you know, the husband's like, we're not buying a new car, no way. And I'm sort of like, why don't you look at your numbers first? Just look at the numbers. Yeah, nobody you don't have to have a conversation about the numbers. Just look at them first.
[00:19:35] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a very good point. And, you know, earlier you talked about the term power.
Quite often, a couple without, you know, without. It's really subconscious, think that the person who makes the most money has the most power when it comes to discussion about money. And that can get very, very tricky as well. And if that's not discussed ahead of time, that could be a bone of contention and derail the entire relationship.
[00:20:01] Speaker B: Yeah, often what it is is that, you know, that maybe the bills are paid. That's not the concern. But then it's like, we have this. This extra money. What do I do with it? So there are many people out there that are like, well, you're at home with the kids. I'm gonna go golfing, and I'm gonna go shooting, and I'm gonna do all this, like, stuff that I want to do. And the wife's like, well, it'd be nice if I got a weekend off.
[00:20:23] Speaker A: Get out of the house. Let me. Give me.
[00:20:25] Speaker B: Yeah. And how much is this? You know, shooting and playing golf? How much is this gonna cost? Like, are you going to the public? Oh, no, I'm going to a private course. You know, I mean, and again, these are all money values playing out. And I'm not saying don't go to a nice course. I'm not saying don't have a nice set clubs. But my experience is when people reflect on the values of what the money is and, you know, the days that. That our parents will sacrifice for the children is not always happening.
[00:20:52] Speaker A: Yeah, good. Very good point. All right, let's so do a little TR transition here.
Founder of Caregiver Events Tell. Tell us about what you're working on now with the. The caregiving of Anxas.
[00:21:05] Speaker B: I'm very intrigued.
I run some webinars, you know, maybe monthly, quarterly, depending on, you know, what's going on, you know, with the caregiver universe as I see it, as I look at the, you know, the.
Not so much the industry, but, like, what is impacting caregivers now. And so this year's theme for the Virtual Caregiver Conference, which is always held in November, This November, it's November 19th and 20th. It'll be two days. It's live. And the theme, and I'd say the audience has also expanded. It's not just for aging loved ones. It's also for parents. Parents in particular for neurodiverse single parents, as well as parents who have children with Long term health issues because those are the parents that I kept getting complaints from when I focused on aging loved ones. Because that's where I'm at. Like, that's my, that's my area of expertise. So why did I expand on it? Because the theme kept coming up is how to stay sane in an insane world.
And we are doing this conversation on September 11th and I think you and I get it. Like, not every day is easy. Not every day is going to make sense. Sometimes it feels like we live in a cosmic joke, but you still have to figure out how to be, be a parent or be a caregiver and still not go insane from the stress.
[00:22:23] Speaker A: Very true, very true.
So tell us a little more about the event. What speakers? What what?
How many people do you expect to attend or have they attended in the past?
[00:22:33] Speaker B: Oh yeah, people have attended in the past. Oh, definitely. So this year we, you know, last year I actually sold out my overflow tickets.
[00:22:40] Speaker A: Yeah, awesome. Wonderful.
[00:22:41] Speaker B: And so this year, since it's a two day event, we're planning to do more than just double. We're gonna expand. So it's gonna probably be about 500 or more attendees.
And the speakers are like neuro coaches, obviously estate and will attorneys.
We have financial experts talking about what you as a caregiver can do if you are also a parent and how you can prepare and plan for your own savings as well as what do you do if you have a child that has a longer term health issue, number one. But also working with neuro. I already said neuro coaches, but working with divorce and family caregiver coaches. Because these folks, you know, provide a wealth of information that people need.
Because a lot of times people think caregiving is, you know, just like hands on, but it's not true. It's getting the calls in the middle of the night. It's having to figure out what are we supposed to do with this? Does anyone know? And if it's just a single caregiver, you are responsible for all medical and financial.
And then what do you do if you're having family drama as a caregiver? Like, who do you ask for? Like, what are the supports that we need to get there, you know, to help us so that we are in a better state.
So that those are some of the amazing speakers. And I do have one that I'm actually very, very excited about.
She does ancestral lineage healing. So and that's like, people are like, what is that? And so it's not just a woo thing, but many times when a family Member passes. People are still grieving and they don't really get the closure that they would like. They don't get. And so it's not just so much a death doula. This is like literally looking at your beliefs surrounding life and death and then also choosing if you want to support for that because it's not uncommon in many, many cultures that you go to your ancestors for comfort.
[00:24:29] Speaker A: Very true, very true. That. That's going to be an interesting one.
Absolutely.
[00:24:34] Speaker B: Very much so.
[00:24:35] Speaker A: Is there anything else you'd like to share with the audience that we haven't covered yet?
[00:24:41] Speaker B: Huh. What I would say is that if you are doing some level of caregiving, I would say a caregiver support group can be a little dicey. Sometimes it's very helpful. Sometimes. Sometimes the Facebook, Facebook groups can be very helpful. But there's a lot of advice giving instead of helping, like actually giving people tools and resources and skills. And that was my biggest gripe when I was a caregiver. It was like either it was all drama or it wasn't. You know, people who were helpful, you know, they were just, you know, oh, it's too bad your mom's sick.
[00:25:10] Speaker A: And it's like, thanks, thanks, thanks. That was helpful. Yeah. The unsolicited advice can be dangerous because when you're vulnerable and not sure and then you start to take advice from people who are non experts.
[00:25:21] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:25:22] Speaker A: That could be a problem. Could be a big problem.
[00:25:25] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:25:25] Speaker A: So the audience certainly has captured the essence of Jeanne Doherty and they're going to want to get in touch with Jeannie. So Everybody out there, jeannied.com and that'll be in the the show notes as well.
All right, before we finish up, I've got two questions for you.
[00:25:42] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:25:43] Speaker A: Are you ready?
[00:25:44] Speaker B: I'm ready.
[00:25:45] Speaker A: All right, so Jeannie, you're in your happy place and you're sitting down with 7 to 10 year old Jeannie and you want to give her advice about life. What are you going to tell her?
[00:25:56] Speaker B: I would tell her that pay attention to your emotions. They are the secret to your happy life.
[00:26:03] Speaker A: I love that. That's deep.
Adults, we should all do that too. All right, now you're sitting down with Jeannie, the young businesswoman, young entrepreneur. You want to give her advice about business. What are you going to tell her?
[00:26:15] Speaker B: What I would tell her is that you have many great thoughts, but you've got to dial it in and focus on the pain, you know, to your audience because that's the stuff that actually connects.
[00:26:27] Speaker A: That's beautiful advice too.
Well, Jeanne, I want to thank you for a bunch of things. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for coming into my life. You are an absolutely wonderful woman and you are doing wonderful things. Please keep doing what you're doing.
You are helping a lot of people.
[00:26:42] Speaker B: Ah, thank you so much, Drew. I really appreciate it.
[00:26:45] Speaker A: You're welcome. Everybody out there, please take care of yourselves.
Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe and give us a review to help others find it.
I'd like you to answer this question.
Are you living the life you want to live, or are you living the life others want you to live? I'd like you to think about that for a second, because I strongly suggest you live the life you want to live. If you want to learn more about what I stand for and my services and how I'm able to help many men get out of their own way, please go to my website at www.profitcompassion.com.
feel free to also email me at
[email protected] I'd love to have a conversation with you.
Take care of yourself and choose to write your own story instead of letting others write it for you.
