[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign the podcast for those who find themselves immersed in adversity and choose to write their story instead of having others write it for them. I'm Drew Duraney and I'm your host.
Today's guest is Tina Huggins.
Tina comes in with a background in law enforcement and has dedicated her life to helping men and women get out of abusive situations.
Tina has also taught self defense in women's shelters.
Tina has her own personal experiences that have shaped her passion to help others.
Tina's own father was nearly murdered in his second marriage and her late husband suffered severe abuse in multiple forms.
During his marriage and during his divorce, Tina played a vital role in navigating a divorce case that was the longest divorce on record for that Colorado county.
Tina ended up collaborating with divorce attorneys, defense attorneys, mediators, arbitrators and receivers in that specific case.
This has helped her to better understand the legal landscape.
Tina's own journey through an abusive marriage has illuminated a crucial truth. Both men and women need a different way to go through divorce.
No one should have to face such trials alone. Tina is committed to supporting individuals through their divorce journeys, helping them find strength, clarity and hope on the path to healing and new beginnings. Enjoy the show, Tina. It's great to see you.
[00:01:47] Speaker B: Same here. Thank you very much, Drew.
[00:01:49] Speaker A: It's my pleasure. So I always like to in the beginning thank the individual who introduced me to my guest. So once again, it's probably like the 20th time. Frank Agan, thank you, sir, for introducing me to Tina Huggins.
Never doubt your introductions and Tina is one of the best. So thanks. Frank.
Why is Tina Tina on well, you know, you guys know I always in the beginning talk about how we're taught that life is linear with the best intentions. We're taught by friends and family that if we do the right thing, whatever that is, A plus, B plus, C, D is going to happen.
Life is linear until it's not right. We always get this external. There's always an external circumstance, something that, that presents itself and gets in the way of one of those letters and kind of derails our life from a straight path to a more circuitous one when that adversity happens. Depending on what the type of self awareness we have, I would say there's like three types of people out there and for Tina's sake, three types of women out there. Woman number one has so many blind spots, she doesn't know what she doesn't know so she doesn't notice that things might be an opportunity or doesn't notice what's in front of her that she can change. So she goes through life just on autopilot. Nothing changes.
Then there's woman number two. Heightened. She has heightened self awareness. Yet that adversity, man, I'm, I'm a victim.
Everything else is to blame. It's life doing it to me. I can't change anything. And she lives her life the way she's always lived it, and on her deathbed, she's got a ton of regrets. And then there's woman number three. That's Tina Huggins. Woman number three, heightened self awareness, sees that adversity and says, sick and tired of being sick and tired. You know, that's not a barrier. That adversity is an opportunity to take massive action and do something different and change the course of my life for the better. I'm going to become a stronger woman because of it.
So with that said, woman number three, Tina Huggins, if you could, for the audience, reach back as far as you need to for that defining moment, whether it was the tap on the shoulder, the whisper in the, in the ear, or what I needed, the 2 by 4 upside the head that shifted you from whatever woman you were to the woman number three, the woman you are now the stronger. Tina Huggins.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Well, I can't really say that there's one, but the one that, that started the shift was there was a series of fights that I had been in with my husband, but the last one was when I was forced to break his nose because he was bending the door on my van trying to get me out of the van, and I broke his nose and he tossed me across the yard. All the broken bo bones prior to that, I did not see his abuse. So in this case, I had a dislocated leg. And this one I saw as abuse. And it took me a few months still, and I stepped out of that marriage. And, and I think that is when I became woman number two. Hunting for and having the issue aspects, not so much that it was my, that I was the victim. I was starting out of the victimhood at that point, just trying to figure life out.
[00:05:08] Speaker A: Wow. How impactful in many ways that is.
And how, how long ago was that?
[00:05:16] Speaker B: That was 22 years ago.
22 years ago in June.
[00:05:22] Speaker A: Wow. Well, you know, you had, you had the guts, really, the willingness and the ability to do it at that time. And it kind of takes both the willingness and the ability to take, take a step forward.
So when you made that decision, how did you begin to heal, not necessarily physically, but heal mentally from that abuse? And did you start giving yourself credit for being as strong as you are?
[00:05:53] Speaker B: Yeah. At that point I started to dive into as much self help books as I could find. And I did the work in the books.
I just was not ready to reach out to a human for assistance, which eventually became my next step. I finally reached out, got coaches, one coach and then another coach and so on. And I tried therapists, great. Talking about things is great, but I believe that coaches, we don't dig in very far. We start building up and I think that's, that's what helped. And then at some point I, I had dated and dated and dated and so then it's finally time I quit dating and completely worked on me. And that's when the major shift happened.
[00:06:44] Speaker A: Wow. So what, what type of self development skills did you try that didn't work? And then what type of self development skills did you try that did work?
[00:06:57] Speaker B: Well, what didn't work for me was therapy. And this is why I felt coaches are so awesome. The therapist stopped me from my growth and made me dig, dig into the pain, into the hurt, into the things. And, and you and I have talked. So you know, I have recently lost my husband and I have learned that, that yes, I need to, to grieve, but I don't need to be forced to grieve. And forcing myself to look at pictures and read stuff feels very forced to grieve. So I didn't, I didn't like that type of stuff. So that didn't work. And what really worked is, is having to see who I, who I thought I was and feeling like I was that fake person, the person that, that I really didn't want to be and to, to then look and see the person who I really wanted to be.
And once I got all of that together and I worked on myself, I found my Mr. Perfect and that's who recently died is my Mr. Perfect. And in that, in that sentence, a lot of people would say, well, why did God take him? He was such a wonderful person. Why couldn't they take his ex wife who wasn't?
And I tell them, I'm like, if I was God, I wouldn't take her either. And I definitely would take him because he was awesome.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: Jesus, so much 13. And again, I'm sorry for your loss.
I don't want to gloss over the domestic abuse.
What I would like to ask is, did you ever blame yourself? And if you did, did you ever start, start forgiving yourself?
[00:08:51] Speaker B: So I was gaslit into believing it was my fault that I Got a broken hand and separated ribs.
And I can tell you, for about 18 years, I did blame myself for that. I even said I was the one who broke my hand, even though the hand got broken because he grabbed me. I'm a martial artist and I know how to release. So I released and my hand hit a door jamb.
But then he threw me on the bed and he stuck his knee in my chest and. And he blamed me for that. And I accepted the blame. And it was about 18 years or so.
And that's when I. And I even had a therapist in there that said, oh, no, that wasn't your fault. But I couldn't. I couldn't see that.
[00:09:40] Speaker A: Unbelievable. It is unbelievable how people can manipulate us to believe things that we really know is not true.
But, you know, I give you a lot of. A lot of credit for your courage moving forward with your Mr. Perfect. How did you guys meet?
[00:09:58] Speaker B: Oh, it's a little magical story to me. We met on Match, our first date. I didn't think was going to happen.
I fell asleep prior to that date, and I dreamt of these blue eyes.
And I woke up not feeling right, normal. I went to go change clothes, and he text and asked if we were going. I didn't think we were. So I reconfirmed that I met him.
And as I'm walking up to where we're supposed to meet, because it was an outside venue where we were meeting, he kind of runs up there and he jerks off his glasses and there's those blue eyes.
And I was taken back by that. And then we went up, had a couple of drinks together, laughed and enjoyed each other's company. And then we went to dinner and then we came back and had really good conversation.
And then I went home. So now it's in the middle of the night, maybe, I don't know, 11, and he texts me to make sure I made it home. And he said, he goes, I wish I was still with you. And I jokingly said, well, you could be. And he said, what's your address?
And I'm not joking. He showed up that night and never left.
He was living with his dad because he was in the process of going through a very long divorce. Seven years.
And so he showed up and he never left. And when I say never left, we eventually worked together out of our home. So we were together 24 7, and we still had date night every Friday.
[00:11:27] Speaker A: I'm glad to hear that. I love that. I love that. Many couples don't continue that, you know, and it's very important to be do that. What a story. I mean there can be a Mr. Perfect or a Mrs. Perfect because it just depends on what we, what we need.
Perfect is different. Yeah.
So with your work, what, what got you into being a divorce professional? Like how did that materialize over the years?
[00:11:53] Speaker B: Well, and I'm a certified divorce coach, restorative family mediator and conflictual co parenting coach. Along with all the training that's in between those.
And what happened is a series of things. You heard about my story.
And then in the middle of that story and my husband, my dad was almost murdered by his second wife, shot at and then finally driven over with a dually pickup truck leaving the tire prints on his back literally from the bruise.
And so I helped him out of that relationship safely and reserved the family farm.
And then fast forward, I met my husband who had been going through a divorce already for two years. He was very upfront. Let me know this. Well, the attorney eventually asked me to do paper investigation because they, they were so lost in all of the stuff that his ex was. She's very, very narcissistically abusive to him to the point that even got physical. She, he had a tooth print where she had bit him on his back and drew blood. And that was the final straw that and going through that, that paper investigation. And I had helped other people divorce earlier.
But when I realized I knew things that this attorney didn't know, I was, there's got to be another way. So I went out and I found my school, which is the cdc, the Certified Divorce Coach Program.
And I got that certification. And immediately before I even finished school, I started working. I just shifted my coaching.
[00:13:32] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:13:33] Speaker B: What I'd been doing for 30 years over to divorce coaching.
[00:13:36] Speaker A: Okay, so aside from the obvious reasons for divorce, what have you found to be common patterns in behavior that would lead to divorce and what could have not necessarily progressed, prevented it, but changed the, the path.
[00:14:01] Speaker B: Well, I'm going to talk about normal divorce because I work in the high conflict arena that from a toxic narcissistic partner.
But a regular path is, is that we, we as people, we just kind of grow apart. Which is done because like you had mentioned, we just kind of cruise through life. We don't pay attention to anything. We just cruise through life. Well, that's when Monday looks look like Tuesday. And all the days are the same. We don't say I love you anymore. We stop having communications and our fights about money. He's spending too much, she's spending too much. Those are the topics that, that happen. And so that's where, you know, I had done all the work on myself. So my late husband and I had date night every Friday night. It was super important for us to get off work at 2 o' clock.
We didn't eat all day until then and we went out and we just enjoyed ourselves and we were back home so that we could be in bed by 9 o' clock. You know, it was a good, wonderful evening for us.
[00:15:04] Speaker A: I love, I love that, I love hearing about couples who continue, whether it's girls night out or guys poker night or whatever, because, I mean, I, I was one who gave up that stuff, thought I had, it had to be both of us all the time. And so we both gave up some of that independent stuff. And I don't think that's healthy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. We're going to, I want to, I'm going to ask you about couples when they're just starting to get committed to potentially something long term.
I think it's, it's good to have maybe a relationship coach early on so you can talk about those little things that may bother you that if you ignore, could end up becoming the big things. Because I've talked to some younger couples who do go to relationship coaches before they tie the knot, get married or whatever, or move in together or anything. And they said it's been helpful because they learn to respect and appreciate the little quirks of the significant other if they're not, you know, healthy quirks. But do you see any benefit to doing something like that before a big commitment?
[00:16:21] Speaker B: I do, I do. And if you belong to certain church groups, they used to do that. That was part of you being able to get married in that church as you had to go through premarital coaching or therapy or whatever it was called.
And those couples usually lasted much longer if not stayed together.
They, they learned that there is diversity. There's, there's things like the money talk, when the money talk comes up, which should come up before you get married.
Those are, those are things that cause issues. And they did cause an issue early on in my relationship because they were not, they were not discussed in a proper way.
[00:17:03] Speaker A: No, that's a very good point. You bring that up. I, I, I say that there's like these taboo topics that young couples, because we're kind of taught not to talk in public about, whether it's how much money do you make? So let's say financial politics, religion, and maybe your views on having children, you Know stuff like that. These taboo topics that a lot of couples don't dive into and learn the, the views of their significant other and then they get married and then, then the topic comes up and they're say they're blindsided or surprised or hear all these stories about so and so stealing from so and so's account and they didn't notice it or all of a sudden she decided not to have kids. And you know, are there such things as you see couples thinking that is taboo, top taboo, like topics that you encourage them to, to potentially talk about? Because I'm, I'm sure, I'm not sure when you're coaching. Some people do sometimes the divorce does not happen.
Do they get back together? Can that happen?
[00:18:05] Speaker B: I, I've only had one, one couple that ended up, they're still together now. But the reality for that one was there's not abuse in that relationship.
So if there's not abuse. So in, in couples I work with, there's abuse, conflict.
[00:18:22] Speaker A: That's right. Okay. Yes.
[00:18:24] Speaker B: And so my couples in and in most of my couples, I would say they need to get out of that. It's very unhealthy for the men and the women that are involved in the abuse.
[00:18:35] Speaker A: Right. Do you sometimes consult with other divorce coaches on things like would there potentially be like a couple that you don't think you might, you might not be right for them or they might be. Not be right for you and you could refer to somebody else. Does that happen in the field?
[00:18:50] Speaker B: I, I do. I, I would like to be able to work with both sides, but usually the person, the toxic person, it's never their fault, so they're not going to reach out for help. So it's very difficult. Now I'm trained in rest work, restorative mediation. And that is, is technically a way to communicate and to work through people. So I'm actually trained where instead of just having the two, the couple in there and going through the, the mediation, I can bring in other people. And I, if I bring in the attorneys, I do fishbowl work, which means that the attorneys sit on the outside. They don't talk during the mediation. If they need to talk to their client, we're separated so that they can talk separately.
That saves the client money. It also speeds up the process of them being able to communicate kindly, respectfully. And that's what I'm trying to foster is respectful communication.
[00:19:50] Speaker A: Well, can you explain what their whole restorative. What do you mean by restorative? Like, what is that?
[00:19:56] Speaker B: So when My couples get when they uncouple. Most of the time they uncouple and in one half, one half here and one half there. My job in that aspect is to make them uncouple, get them to uncouple as two holes.
So we try to work through that communication as best as we can. If there is no toxic abuse, if there is that kind of abuse, then I won't allow my couples to be in the same room.
[00:20:23] Speaker A: Okay, understood.
I'm now thinking of those couples where there is abuse, abuse and there's children involved.
Who's there to help those children? Are you able to reach out to colleagues who can then help the children with the trauma of their parents separating because of abuse?
[00:20:43] Speaker B: Yes. And I work with a lot of therapists that are in there. I have therapists that, that I will have go find specific kinds of therapists in specific locations because therapists have their own connections to my connections to therapist. I have may not be enough or the right fit.
And especially when we're dealing with autistic children that need to have that special kind of touch.
And so I do have people that I work with as, as coming back to the restorative end, I can bring older kids. I won't work with them young in there. I want a therapist to work with them when they're young. But I can bring older kids into the, to the circle. It's then not a mediation circle, it's a facilitated circle. So I'm facilitating the joining of the family to work as a whole. If both parents can be there, great. If not, then we work with the one parent who, who is not the toxic partner and we let the kids kind of communicate with me with the inside of the circle, so to speak. And the parent gets to be involved.
[00:21:50] Speaker A: Now with what you do, you avoid having them to go through court, except for the actual going in the day and then getting that piece of paper when they walk out with the divorce decree. Right. Because I went through mediation to stay out of the court system.
Yeah. That you find I if for. With a good mediator. I think that's a very, very healthier approach.
From what I've heard, the court system, depending on the state you're in, may not treat whether the, the. The. The man or the woman or the, the children as, as. As thoughtfully as they should.
So I find mediation the good first route to go if.
[00:22:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
And it is definitely I coach my clients to mediation. We do pre mediation work. We set up things. We get all the lists and everything made for Their mediator.
The mediator should be an intermediate so they are not taking sides. Their job is to just facilitate the. The separation and the communication, to be as civil as possible.
Me, I'm on the other end with one person, the client, being being attacked by the narcissistic partner. And I work with that partner to be respectful to the other side, to set their boundaries and to be firm in their actions and not to let anybody's comments sway them in a way that they shouldn't be swayed. If they're not comfortable in making a decision, I tell them just to tell the mediator we need to set another appointment. I need time to think about this one.
[00:23:30] Speaker A: Wonderful. Okay, now, your work, does it have to be in person? Are you able to remotely help people across.
[00:23:37] Speaker B: All my work is remote. I work throughout the United States and in all English speaking countries.
[00:23:42] Speaker A: Okay, wonderful. Good to know. Good to know.
Anything else you want to share that we haven't discussed?
[00:23:51] Speaker B: I think that we've caught, you know, talked about all of the most important stuff. And, you know, the one thing that I would say at this point is coming from the grief where I've been, you know, in the last 10 months, coming from this grief, I, I am right there where my clients are. And I can tell you as the viewer, that that there, that spirit, however you look, God, whatever you need to call your higher power, there is a plan, and it's in motion as we are sitting here talking, that is in motion. Now it's up to you to make choices and to follow your guts, to follow what you feel is the right thing. And I can say, you know, in the course with, with talking to Drew, he is a great person to communicate with, especially in a divorce, dealing with special needs kids. And then with, with asking a divorce coach or, or some therapist that can help you please reach out. Because as, as I put it earlier today, we can't do this alone. We can try, but we will fail, and we'll continue to fail until we finally reach up and ask for help.
[00:25:02] Speaker A: Absolutely. Absolutely. It's very important to know that you're not alone.
You know, I give you so much credit.
I want to talk about the topic of grief because everybody grieves differently, and some people feel inclined to give unsolicited advice on how to grieve.
How would you respond to just grief in general and, and, and, and how it takes on different forms? And that's okay.
[00:25:33] Speaker B: You know, I have felt I haven't grieved enough or properly, because we are taught, just like with the line in your way of life, right. We're taught that grieving widows should spend all their day crying and blah, blah, blah.
And I didn't do that. And, and I, I have cried. Don't get me wrong. I have spent hours in crying, but not all at once. And so it's just been here and there, and each of us have to go through our own piece of work, our own path to get to where we're heading to. And we one have to have a target for where we're heading. You know, I'm. I'm getting ready to come into the first anniversary of his death, which happens to be my birthday. And so I've set up to be with my son and, and his daughter. And I, I don't know that I want to share that day with anybody else yet, but I'm setting that up because he. They had to have the day off. And, and I know that, that the way I'm grieving feels the best for me. And so I beat myself up there for a little while thinking, gosh, am I. Am I not grieving? And then somebody said something recently that said I didn't grieve for my dad because I didn't feel like he ever died. He's always been right here. And I'm like, well, that's how come I'm grieving the way I am. I don't feel like he's left me. I feel like he's right here.
[00:26:59] Speaker A: I love that. I love that. Well, thank you. Because, you know, some people are, you know, convinced that they're not grieving the right way. And every time, anytime something feels forced, just you go with your intuition. You feel, what, what's that? Whatever's best for you. Whatever method is best for you.
So the audience certainly has captured the essence of Tina Huggins, and they're going to want to get in touch with you, Tina. So, audience, Tina told me that the best way to reach out to her will be either email or text. So email is Coach Tina Lynn. So it's C O A C H Tina T I N A. And Lynn is L Y n
[email protected], where you can text Tina at 719-580-6684.
And would it be safe to say, Tina, that, let's say the person hasn't yet decided whether or not they want to leave a toxic relationship and they reach out to you, is it safe to say that that's a good person to come to you?
[00:28:07] Speaker B: Yes. And that's a perfect time to come. That's when we can save you the most money and help you to figure out. You know, just because I'm a divorce coach doesn't mean that I foster just divorce. I, I'm a certified life coach as well. And so I help my clients before the divorce, during and for years after in some cases.
[00:28:28] Speaker A: Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. All right, I have two final questions for you. All right, so I'm going to give you the opportunity to use your imagination. You are in a beautiful, beautiful place, wherever your happy place is. And you're sitting down with 7 to 10 year old Tina and you want to give her advice about life. What would you tell her?
[00:28:48] Speaker B: I would tell her that she could do anything she wants. She's just gotta put her mind to it and not listen to the naysayers that are going to tell her that she's not smart enough, that she's not got the ability enough to do that, that she's, she can do this and that, that she has got all the magic within her that she needs to have.
[00:29:09] Speaker A: Absolutely love that. All right, so switch hats. Now you're with young Tina, the young businesswoman entrepreneur, and you've got some business advice to give her. What do you tell her?
[00:29:19] Speaker B: So I tell her, jump off the cliff. Plug your nose. Jump off the cliff. Don't be afraid of the things that, that seem like you shouldn't do it. Those are the things that you need to do.
The one things that fill the scariest are the ones that you need to do. They'll create the most change in your life.
[00:29:36] Speaker A: I love that. Do it. Scared.
Tina, I want to thank you for a few things coming on, but it'd be coming into my life again. Frank, thanks for introducing Tina and me. Tina, keep doing what you're doing. You're a wonderful human being. You've gone through a lot and with grace and dignity, you've become a very, very strong woman who's helping other women and men out there to live their best life. So keep, keep doing what you're doing.
[00:30:02] Speaker B: Thank you. Thank you very much.
[00:30:03] Speaker A: Drew everybody out there, please take care of yourselves.
Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe and give us a review. To help others find it, I'd like you to answer this question.
Are you living the life you want to live or are you living the life others want you to live? I'd like you to think about that for a second because I strongly suggest you live the life you want to live. If you want to learn more about what I stand for and my services and how I'm able to help many men get out of their own way. Please go to my website at www.profitcompassion.com.
feel free to also email me at drewrophetcompassion.com I'd love to have a conversation with you.
Take care of yourself and choose to write your own story instead of letting others write it for you.
