Episode 125 - Lafaya Mitchell - From Trauma to Triumph: Lafaya Mitchell on Breaking Cycles, Raising Neurodiverse Kids, and The Lafayette Way.

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. [00:00:09] Speaker B: The podcast for those who find themselves immersed in adversity and choose to write their story instead of having others write it for them. I'm Drew Duraney and I'm your host. Today's guest is Lafaya Mitchell, licensed marriage and family therapist, poker player, wife and reluctant but happy mother of six. Is on a mission to calm the effects of Red Alert Brain. She aspires to share her life changing philosophy the Lafayette Way. Created in over 20 years of real life and professional experience with the world, Lafayette recently co authored number one international bestseller Speechless Given the Number Voiceless of Voice and the Advocate, the Healer and Heeding a Higher Caller authored international bestseller A Poker's a Poke, Poker A Woman's Game. She also published three books and created a 12 week training curriculum for parents and organizations. From her parenting series the Lafayette Way, Lafayette has found a way to apply her four step methodology used in her mental health therapy practice to battle T I L T or Temporary Interruption and logical thinking, Tilt in Poker and Low Performance in Competition Based Environments. She discusses the issues that link the challenges in life, competitive sports and poker in her new podcast the lafay Away Powerful Women podcast with a poker twist. Enjoy the show. Lafayette Mitchell, how are you? [00:01:50] Speaker A: I am good. Very happy to be here with you. [00:01:53] Speaker B: To be here with you too. Oh, geez. So, so I guess we'll, we'll dive right into it. I always like when I get to speak to the guest prior to recording because we kind of catch up if we haven't talked for a while and sometimes I pick up on stuff that I'm like, oh wow, that'd be great to talk about, you know, today. Which we do have something because yes, you are writing a new book and we're definitely going to dive into that. I do want to start, I always start by thanking the individual who introduced me to my guest and I have to thank Anka Herman. Anka, you introduced me to Lafaya. Thank you very much, Anka. There's always a reason why people introduce and I know why you introduced us, so thank you. So why are you here? Well, we talked a little about before we hit the record button. I always talk about how we're taught when we're young that life is linear, you know, and it's not a malicious teaching. We're told, hey, if you do all the right things, A plus B plus C in this order, everything's going to be great. And for the most part, life is linear until it's not. There's always a moment for each one of Us, where something gets in the way, some external circumstance gets in between one of those letters and kind of derails our straight path. And now we have a circuitous route. And there's always a defining moment when we finally realize it and we do something differently that changes our path for the better. And, you know, we were talking this before. I believe there's three types of humans, three types of men, three types of women. Woman number one, so many blind spots in her life. She doesn't see all the. All the things that are out there as opportunities. So she doesn't see anything. She just says, this is just life. You know, it's the way it is. And I go about the way people told me to go about my life, and that's it. And on her deathbed, she's got some regrets. But then there's woman number two, who's got a heightened self awareness. She notices all this adversity, yet she's a victim. She blames life's doing it to her. She can't change anything. Her trajectory set in stone. She just goes about her. Her business the way it's laid out. And she's got a ton of regrets on her deathbed because then she realizes, I could have done something and I didn't. Woman number three, that's you. Is a woman who has heightened self awareness, sees the adversity, and finally says, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. This. This stuff out here is not barriers. These are opportunities to do something different. This is life doing it for me, and I'm gonna. I'm gonna do something different and get through this and be a stronger woman on the other side. All right? So for the audience, if you could reach back as far as you need to and find that defining moment, whether it was the tap on the shoulder, the whisper in the ear, or like, what I needed, the 2 by 4 upside my head to make me make you move from woman number one to two or two to three or one to three or whatever. But how? What did you do? What happened for you to become who you are now? [00:04:57] Speaker A: Oh, man. Okay. So I think that my first. Yes. I think that my first defining moment, okay, was the birth of my first son. He's now 32. He's gonna be 33. I was 17 years old, way too young. Teen mom, pregnant at 16. And when I looked at this little boy, I said to myself, you will never grow up like I did. Okay? That was a true defining moment for me. And at that moment, I tried to figure out how to keep from bringing the same trauma that was brought to me to him. So I say that's defining moment number one. One to two, girl one to two. Okay? Now, @ that point, I'm still a victim at this point, though, because I don't understand how to do this. I'm trying to figure it out. I finish high school, I go to college. I don't know what I'm doing there. None of my family had ever graduated from college. So I'm like. And, you know, I'm being told by everyone, it's not going to do you any good. So. And so graduated from college. They don't have anything, right? These are all my influence in my life, right? So I'm still the victim. So defining moment number two, okay, Came when I was about, I want to say, 25 or so, okay? And I was in a bad relationship. My, actually, my ex husband, now I was in a bad relationship, and I was going to do bad things because I would get upset. And I had. And I was a control freak. And so I had to go, you know, figure it out and make him act right. Right. In my bad ways. And. And I'm telling you, I had a literal crossroads moments, okay? Okay. Where literally. And I don't know how other people's beliefs are, but I believe in God, okay? And where the voice. The voice, whatever you want to call it, has said to me, you don't want to do that, okay? Because I was going to do bad stuff, and you don't want to do that. And I'm literally on the freeway, and I can go to the left or to the right. Right is. And right is. I don't know where I'm going. Left. I'm going to do the bad thing. And I'm fighting with myself, and I'm like, yes, I do want to go do it. What else am I going to do? Next thing I know, my will is turning to the right. And I was mad, okay, I'm driving down the freeway, mad that I'm going to the right. Like, now where am I going? This is stupid. Wasting gas. I'm broke. I can't waste gas, you know? And so anyway, go to your grandmother's house. I did not like my grandmother back then. She was way too churchy for me. And I was like, nope, I don't like her. There were lots of things from my past, you know, failure to protect and lots of things that made me not like any of my family, okay? And so. But I went to her house anyway, okay? I went and I Knocked on the wrong door and everything. And the door, she wouldn't hear me down in the basement, and she heard me anyway say hello. And I'm like, ah. So that. That was my defining moment number two. That moved me closer to that three. I would say I was still the two girl for a while, but there was a process. The journey began that showed me that things can be better, that all things do work for good. So. Yeah. But those were my defining moments. [00:07:56] Speaker B: Wow. All right. All right. So I want to go back to defining moment number one. 16 pregnant, and you have your son. You mentioned you didn't want him to have the trauma you had. The. Are you comfortable talking about what trauma you were talking about? Because obviously, if you didn't want your son to have it. [00:08:17] Speaker A: Oh, there was a bunch. So. So I grew up in the era where, you know, where I think the crack academic. Whatever you call. Epidemic, pandemic, whatever you call it. Right. During that time. And so I had. My parents were very heavily, you know, heavily addicted and all that. So I grew up in a home that was not a good home at all. So there was. That. There was extreme domestic violence. I saw some things that children should never see. I was suicidal at age 7. I used to put knives to my stomach. And I was afraid of the pain, though. And I would say to myself, because I just wanted the pain to be over with, okay. I did not want to be here on this earth. I didn't think there was a good reason for me to be here anyway. I was just. And had I not been too fearful and fearful of going to hell too, because that's what we learned in our religion back when I was that too, it probably would have happened because I was not a very happy little person or even getting older to that bigger person. Right, right. So. So yeah, it was. There was a lot. So I dealt with a lot. Molest, rape, you name it. Just. Just go across all the worst things, and that probably happened. Okay. [00:09:25] Speaker B: Wow. You know, it's interesting because. And I'm sorry you went through all that and you're a stronger person for it, and I give you a ton of credit for being who and where you are despite all of that. Now, it's interesting because usually fear is not healthy, but for you, the fear of potentially going to hell saved your life. [00:09:52] Speaker A: It definitely did. [00:09:53] Speaker B: So I find that interesting. So that was. That's a safe and a healthy, I guess, good kind of fear because you're here. Thank God. So interesting. Very interesting. So God bless you for getting through that. Stuff. So I'm really. I'm just thinking about when you're being 16 and having a child, you're a child yourself. So how did you become the wonderful mother you are? And you couldn't go back to your parents to ask how to parent your son new. [00:10:36] Speaker A: But I. I think that one of the things that were. They. They were. It was a. It gave me an advantage. Okay. Was that I was. I had to be extremely responsible. [00:10:49] Speaker B: Right. [00:10:49] Speaker A: At a very young age. Not saying that this is. Is wonderful because this. These things should never happen. Right. I'm frying chicken at age 7. I thought literally that I was. That you were supposed to get burnt when you cooked. Because I would have boils all over my arms because I was too young to be cooking. I wasn't careful enough. But I thought that's how it was supposed to be until I got older and I stopped burning myself. Then I was like, oh, that was never supposed to happen. But anyway. But the advantage that came from that was I had to really take care. I had to step up and take care of my sister and brother. I would always put them before me. So even if we were all sick, we could have. I remember at one point, I was a little girl, I had a very. I had a bad fever. All I know is I was very dizzy. But my brother and sister, they were sick. So that mattered to me more than me being sick. So I walked my little self to the store and I stole medicine for them. I still believe to this day that the people in the store knew that I was stealing things, but I was stealing things like food and like medicine. And so they never stopped me. Right. And so. And it's still, to this day, I'm very thankful. Now that I'm older, I understand that they were watching me and they saw me. There were certain things that they were doing and would just let me go and. But. But it taught me very young to be a caretaker. [00:12:00] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:01] Speaker A: Okay. And so I would caretake for them. And so me caretaking for my own son was. It was a huge thing for me. And my experiences taught me that I wanted him safe and protected. [00:12:11] Speaker B: Right. Right. [00:12:12] Speaker A: Okay. So I was very, very protective. I was like, fiercely protective, like anybody. Like people who I knew weren't good people. They could not touch my son, breathe on him, nothing like. And I didn't care how much everybody in the family hated me when I did it. If I. And if. For the older kids when I. When I got older, for the other kids in the family, I would tell on the People, the, the ones who were not good people, who were molesters and that I would let my, I let them know, keep them away from your kids. And people would hate me for it, but I didn't care. So, so just care of. Taking care of my son was like in my nature already. Even though I lacked a lot of the skill set, you know, I lacked a lot of things. I didn't have enough, you know, knowledge or wisdom, but I learned. [00:12:59] Speaker B: Wow. How's your son doing now? [00:13:01] Speaker A: He's 32 now and he's doing well. He's a, he's a great kid. Okay. He's. And I would say that he's a, he's a great kid. And I feel like my younger kids got a better advantage than he did. So they're more, they. Back when he was a little kid, I didn't teach him some things because I didn't have that skill set. [00:13:21] Speaker B: Right. [00:13:22] Speaker A: And so my other two kids that I had 10 years later, they're more school inclined. So, you know, I have my little scientist and my little, you know, my little foreign studies student and, you know, those kind of things. And my other, my older guy, he's more of a, he's more of a worker horse. So he's never been that. He drive me nuts though. I wish he would have been in the school because he's so smart and so talented. But he never was, he was that guy that was like, I'm going out there, I'm going to work my butt off. Because that's what he saw me do, you know. But he's doing, he holds his own and I'm proud of him. [00:13:53] Speaker B: Yeah, well, see, I love that you're proud of him. You should be proud of yourself too. And it's interesting because a lot of us could regret certain things. You had certain tools at, at a young age as a mother that you didn't know what you didn't know, so you did to the best of your ability. And, and at that point, so, you know, that's, that's why when people regret things they did in the past, get out of the past. The past is the past. You're not that person anymore. You know, give your. Cut yourself a break. So good for you. So. So he's doing well. And. Okay, so when did you. The other two children were from the. Your former husband? [00:14:43] Speaker A: Yes. Yes. So my first guy, I never stayed with that particular dad. He was not a good person either. But I never stayed with that particular guy because he was not a good person. And so my second, I met my ex husband 10 years ago. Okay. I mean, not 10 years ago, 10 years after. You know, I'm getting it all wrong. Anyway, I met my ex husband when My son was 3 years old and then we had kids 10 years after meeting. That's got it. Okay, that's proper. But. [00:15:15] Speaker B: Got it, got it. [00:15:16] Speaker A: Yeah, but, yeah, it was. See, now I forgot the question. Sorry. [00:15:21] Speaker B: All right, the youngest two are boy and a girl. For the youngest two. [00:15:24] Speaker A: Yeah. Yes. My oldest boy. And then I had another boy 10 years later and then my little. My girl two years after that. [00:15:33] Speaker B: Got it. [00:15:33] Speaker A: And. And to add to that, though, I now have six children because I adopted my three nieces who my brother lost custody of. So, you know, I didn't mean to throw that wrench in there, but. [00:15:43] Speaker B: Wow. So. [00:15:44] Speaker A: Wow. [00:15:45] Speaker B: That. And you're doing everything you're doing professionally. [00:15:49] Speaker A: Yes, that. [00:15:51] Speaker B: Wow. You're. You're amazing. Okay, so I'm speaking to Wonder Woman, basically. [00:15:56] Speaker A: No, you're speaking to a person who has, who is very, very challenged herself. [00:16:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:16:03] Speaker A: But has chosen to take those challenges and turn them into something really positive and to make other people's lives better. So those three little, those three little adopted girls, they are 8, 7 and 5 and they are freaking awesome. [00:16:18] Speaker B: Okay, this is great. So, so now let's get a great transition because let's get into those defining moments you discussed. And now you have six children at all different ages. What are you doing now personally and professionally that is not only strengthening their lives, it's strengthening your life and now strengthening others outside of your family. [00:16:43] Speaker A: Okay. Personally, I am never going to stop growing. I'm never going to stop looking into how I can be a better person, how I can respond better, how I can react. And as I do that, that moves over into my professional life because that it is my mission to teach other people how to do the same. So whether you. What. Whatever event, disadvantages, disadvantages that you feel like you have really learning how to turn that. That pain into your empowerment in whatever ways you can. Because there's always a way you can teach someone else going through the same thing that you are, you can just grow in little ways. Not, not asking people to just like have these. Because my life is 100% not perfect. Right. So again, I have my own challenges, my own. That's why I like to teach people about them. But to just learn to just grow just a little bit at a time and embrace those small step improvements as you're moving along. Give yourself credit for those and be proud of yourself and keep. Keep growing, keep moving. Right. [00:17:45] Speaker B: I love. I love that. I love that. So tell. So. So what specifically are you doing professionally? Because I know, I know we did talk about that, and it is fascinating and. [00:17:55] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. Okay, so. [00:17:57] Speaker B: So, like, what you're doing and the. Why? Go. Go ahead. [00:18:00] Speaker A: Okay. So about 10 years ago, okay. I started a book series for parents of parenting what I would call hypersensitive children. I know not everybody knows what hypersensitive means, but if you think about the word, it's those who are extremely sensitive to the stimuli around them, right. So either they have sensory issues or for whatever reason they have, you know, maybe anger issue, emotional regulation issues. Whatever it is, they struggle. Okay. And so I wrote a parent series, and it was specifically focused originally when I wrote it for parents of children on the autism spectrum. Okay. Because that's one near and dear to my heart. Because my daughter's on the spectrum. [00:18:38] Speaker B: Right. [00:18:39] Speaker A: And. And I watched as she was growing because she was different. She was. She was different from birth. She would get complaints from other people. They would say things like when she was a small child, Baby, baby, like under a month, they would say, she's just spoiled and she's these things. And that because she would cry all day, all night, because she was just over whim sounds, the doorbell would ring, any unexpected sound, voices she didn't know already, all kinds of things. She just had lots of struggles from very young. And I. And I've had a battle and I felt like, you know, it makes you feel like you're kind of on an island alone, right? Because, you know, it can feel embarrassing because of other people's judgment. It can feel a lot of different ways. And then for me, I kind of keep my mama bear kicks in. I'm like, if you would like for her never to like you, then you can continue to think that since silliness, because clearly she's viscerally impacted by these sounds. She's a baby, right. And so very protective. And I had to. And she also had an aversion to eye contact, so an extreme aversion. So if, you know, normal attachment, you look at your baby, you know, you look at them and you sing to them and all those things. She did not want you to look at her. Looking at her caused her a great deal of anxiety. She would just. She would cringe and scream, right? So I had to slowly get her adapted and turn her out. She. My own face. I'm like, how ugly am I? Like, why do you hate. No, no, I didn't think any of that. But no, I look at her, I would bring her in, and I'd be like, I don't blame you. I don't like when people look me in the eyes either. And she'd scream, and then I'd turn her out. And I'd do that for hours and hours until she took longer and longer periods of time before she was scream. Right. And we taught her how to kind of calm her system and desensitize to that. That contact. Right. And so. But. And did things like this with her that I thought they were just. They felt like instincts to me because I understood feeling bad about people looking at you and things like that, you know? And so then it kind of naturally went over into my work. And so I was introduced to by a fantastic woman. Wanda, I love you forever. But Wanda. But she. She's a beautiful woman, and she. She actually brought me back into the work world because I had taken some time off. Yeah. Because I have two small children at this point. So I was like, okay, I'll just take some time off work. We'll focus on my husband's career, blah, blah, blah. And she said, you have to come to this agency. You're so great at the. At the work. And. And you don't. You can work whatever hours you wanted to, you know? You know, you can work whatever hours you want to. If you only want to work five hours a week, that's all you have to do. And so she brought me in, and I had no idea what I was getting into. And. And I'm introduced now to the world of Autism Spectrum disorder and had no clue that that's what was going on with my daughter at all. I just had these natural instincts. Yeah. Okay. And so I went in there, and the first thing I recognized was these kids. The kids that I was working with were very sensitive. Okay. They were sensitive to what was happening with me internally. I recognize that. And I know. I know. And I start. Started calling dynamic. Like, I started calling it emotion soaking. I just made it up because I'm like, they're. They're taking in whatever's happening on the inside of you and me the same way I do. So I'm very. I'm. I'm very sensitive in that way. A strong emotion Soaker. [00:21:57] Speaker B: Right. [00:21:57] Speaker A: And so it actually caused me to hate people for years because I could feel what was coming from them, and most of the time, it's not authentic. So I did not want to be around people. Okay. [00:22:08] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. So that's A skill you. That's like a superpower to be able to. To sense the energy coming from people, what type of energy it was. Okay. [00:22:17] Speaker A: And I feel like that was. That was another gift. [00:22:20] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:20] Speaker A: That I received from my history. [00:22:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:23] Speaker A: So see, the. The history, it. It makes me who I am today. I. I. My dad, he apologized to me years ago, a lot of years. Like, he felt so bad. He was like, I'm so sorry you had to go through what you went through when you were younger. And, bump, I was like, daddy, it's okay. I said, it's what. It's what made me who I am today. Right. And he said. He said, oh, no. He almost got mad at me. Oh, no. You know, you. You. You have to be upset. I'm like, I'm. But I'm not. I said. Because I really love who I am, you know? And I said. And. And I said it, and it did. It gave me superpowers. Like, I can help people in ways that other people cannot, because either. I can either relate. [00:22:56] Speaker B: Purpose. You didn't. You know, your father didn't do that stuff on purpose. It's something. [00:23:01] Speaker A: No, no. [00:23:02] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:03] Speaker A: No, he just wasn't healthy, and he. He just. He. He struggled himself. Right. And so. And so it. But anyway, he. He went through all that, and. And. And I was like, yeah, no, this is all great. But anyway, my superpower led to me figuring out different ways to work with kids on the spectrum that were just quirky and different and weird. Like me. My way was just weird. I would just do things. I'm like, okay, you don't want to engage with me. I had this one little boy that hide himself in a tunnel. We had these little, like, little flexi. Tunnels in there so that he didn't have to hear me or talk to me. And I'm like, you know what? I don't blame you because I get paid for being here, and I hardly want to be here, so I can't imagine how you feel right now. Right. And so. But I Actually, he put. One day, he, like, put the tunnel, and I just stopped talking. I was like, oh, what am I gonna do with this kid? And so I picked up the tunnel, and I put it over my own head, and I started to look around. I was like, oh. I was like, now I understand why you like it in here. Like, it drowns out sound. You have to look at my ugly face. Blah, blah, blah. I started saying all these things, right? And then I put the tunnel down for the first time. This. This. This little Boy who had never spoken a word to me, completely ignored, won't even talk to his own mom. Okay. He was looking, looking at me with this faint look of almost like a smile in his eyes. Like, what is this weird lady doing? Right? And I wreck it. And I said, oh no, if I don't get to look at you, you don't get to look at me. And I pull the tunnel back up and start to play like this weird game of like hide and see. I mean, peekaboo with him, right? And, and that had breakthrough. And fast forward to six months later. This kid was asking kids if they were okay. His, his teacher was having a fit, asking kids they were okay on the playground, helping them up, you know, and doing things like that. Who was fully not engaged before that. Okay. And so I started to have parents say to me, you have to share this with other parents. Whatever it is you do, whatever this magic wand it is you. I saw like, I don't have a magic wand. I'm not, I don't know how to share. They're like, write a book. I don't write. Leave me alone. Right? I did that for about, for about 10 years. I was very resistant. And then life circumstances kind of circled around. Like you talk about those things coming, they come in life. Talk about that. What'd you call it? A two by four hit to the head. [00:25:25] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. [00:25:28] Speaker A: I had to get the two by four hit to write the books. But when I finally, finally settled down and I was obedient to the call. [00:25:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:36] Speaker A: Okay. 60,000. Seriously, 60,000 words poured out of my body in a week. Okay. And I was writing all day, all night. [00:25:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:46] Speaker A: And sit. And I had no idea what to do with this document now. [00:25:49] Speaker B: Right. [00:25:49] Speaker A: And then, you know, I, I was introduced because when, you know, when you put it out there, right. When you do what you are supposed to do, then the things come to you. [00:25:57] Speaker B: Yes. [00:25:58] Speaker A: Oh, when you do what you're supposed to. No, no, no. Anyway. Supposed to. [00:26:03] Speaker B: Yeah, I hate that. [00:26:04] Speaker A: But no, the right people were put into my path and they, and I wrote everything I had. I met a woman who told me, she said, I raised three boys, two boys on the spectrum. And she said, if I had your, your this information, I would still be married today. When she read through my long document, she said, so you are not going to share this encyclopedia's worth of information in one book. We're going to break it down into maybe. I see maybe seven books here and it's a mini book series, okay. And that's where that's when the Lafayette Way itself was born. Right. And that. And it only came to be because people would say to me, oh, I tried it the Lafayette Way, and it worked. I'm like, why do you keep calling it that? I said, because I've never heard of what you do before. So it's just the Lafayette Way. [00:26:52] Speaker B: I love that. The Lafayette Way. So that's the name of your business? The company? The business, yes. All right, so. So what is the Lafayette Way? [00:27:02] Speaker A: Okay. The. Initially. Okay. Because it's evolved. [00:27:05] Speaker B: All right. [00:27:05] Speaker A: Initially I called the Look. Initially I called the La Fear Way, an advanced relational approach. Okay. To. To calming the. The. The red hot system, basically. So it's with people with maybe emotional regulation issues or kind of struggles. [00:27:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:22] Speaker A: That kind of thing. It would help to kind of calm down. That piece in. I had forced a four step breakdown how to. How to. How to eliminate those very unhealthy dynamics. Okay. That keep you from being able to have breakthrough with people who are hypersensitive. That was originally. Okay. [00:27:41] Speaker B: Love it so far. Okay. [00:27:43] Speaker A: And now it has evolved to. Because I also didn't mention that, you know, on the side, you know, with all my extra time that I have, I love to play. I. I love the game of poker. Okay. I was introduced to it in my 30s. [00:28:00] Speaker B: Okay. [00:28:00] Speaker A: I had only seen maybe cowboy movies every once in a while, you know, the whole saloon playing, but I had zero understanding of poker at all. And then all of a sudden, I don't remember which year it was. I was in my 30s, though. I see this on TV, on ESPN, mind you. I see a bunch of people playing cards and I'm like, what are these people doing on TV with no athletic talent whatsoever playing stupid cards? Like, I was very upset at first, and then I turned the channel, of course, and then again it was on ESPN again. So there it was just. Just playing. And I heard words that I liked, like Yahtzee. Like the Yahtzee words, like three of a kind. And I think straight. They had a. They caught a straight. And I was like, oh, maybe this is like Yahtzee. So it made me tune in. [00:28:50] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:28:51] Speaker A: And I learned that there was a psychological component to the game. Once I figured out there was a psychological component to the game, I was like, oh, oh, I have to learn this game. [00:28:59] Speaker B: It's all you. I love it's on the side doing poker. I love it. I love it. [00:29:04] Speaker A: Yes. And so I've taken the philosophy of my four steps and through another long process in my journey, I Learned that those four steps actually work for preventing tilt and tilt. And poker is basically a state where you just kind of lose your mind for a second. Something bad happens, you have a 96% chance to win, and by the time they put down that last card, you lose. Oh, my gosh. [00:29:32] Speaker B: Okay. [00:29:33] Speaker A: I didn't know the word tilt for that. Okay. [00:29:35] Speaker B: I'm not a big. Okay. [00:29:37] Speaker A: And you lose all your cards. You lose all. I mean, you lose all your chips, okay. Because you lose your mind, and all of a sudden, you start making bad decisions because you're upset. Right? Tilt. [00:29:47] Speaker B: All right, so I. You took that from that into the life when people fall apart and get overwhelmed and. Okay, all right, so I used to. [00:29:58] Speaker A: Go until all the time because I have my. I have what I call red alert brain. Okay. It's automatically set that way because of my trauma experience. Okay. And so I'm very good in life at managing my emotions now. But in poker, that was my space where. Nope. That I was. I was triggered all the time. All the time. My. My heart space, just hot. Everything running hot. I'm angry, I'm mad. That's the space where I was, like, still going off on people. Wow. You know, years ago, until. And then it was just like, okay, you need to calm down first and foremost. It's ridiculous. Not a good look. And then I figured out that my steps could work for that, and I started actually working my own steps. The own. My own. The fairway steps while playing poker. And it worked. [00:30:45] Speaker B: And it worked. There you go. And then you were like, it worked with poker. Maybe I can apply this and help other people. [00:30:53] Speaker A: Yes. Yes, it was. I've already been appointed for years, right? To help with. With parents with kids on the spectrum now. Severe ADHDs, mood disorders, all that. Had already figured all that part out, and then. Then it found its way into my poker world, too, too. And I intersected them, and now it's at. It's added to. It's called the mental game component of the game. I add now. [00:31:18] Speaker B: Got it. So the Lafayette away right now if. [00:31:21] Speaker A: What. [00:31:21] Speaker B: What clients. Give me, like, a picture of what the. What your ideal client is. [00:31:28] Speaker A: Yes. Okay. So right now, I am living my. My dream life, okay? Because right now it's. I have a. I have a variety of people. Always tell me if you can. If you see everybody, you're seeing no one. Right? But right now, I'm specifically working with kids on the spectrum, okay? Kids with severe ADHD and mood disorders, children of intergenerational trauma through a non Profit program, which is like, my love, because I get to give back to the kids who've been through. Who are going through what I've been through. Right. And I get to coach people who play poker on the mental game. So it is like, it is fantastic. And I can tell you which days I do what. I love that. [00:32:12] Speaker B: Wow. All right. So you're able to use. Use your four steps, both. And really, people who are playing poker and working with them to improve their game with the mental approach, age ranges for the kids who you work with. Or does it not matter? [00:32:27] Speaker A: It does not. It does not. It is. I work with humans. And like I said, I know some people hate to hear it, but there is a general way that people, once they are in the land of awareness. [00:32:38] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:38] Speaker A: Want and need to be treated and how we all should treat one another. Yeah. And what I do is teach people how to connect with other people in our humanity, because that gets lost. [00:32:48] Speaker B: Yes. [00:32:49] Speaker A: Right. So. So parents dealing with children, sometimes they kind of lose sight of. These are little humans. [00:32:55] Speaker B: Yes. [00:32:55] Speaker A: Okay. And how important it is to make them, you know, make sure that it's understood that they're heard, that how they feel is validated. Not that they get their way, but that the way they feel is validated. And then here's how I'm going to teach you how to get better for yourself, you know, things like that. So it's just, you know, it's being. Learning how to be good to yourself and then having. Filling up that cup so that it, you know, overflows into, you know, improving your interactions with others. [00:33:22] Speaker B: Right. Well, you know, it's interesting and I love that approach. And we, we really want the child to have self compassion. We also. And self care. We also want the caregiver to also. Right. It's like, yeah. In the airplane, if you don't. If you can't be at your top of your game, how are you gonna be able to help somebody else get there? [00:33:45] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:33:46] Speaker B: So it's both. And I love that. So. All right. So I could talk to you forever, but we gotta go. I would say the essence. The audience certainly has captured the essence of Lafayette Mitchell right now. And they're going to want to get in touch with you. So, folks, you are going to want to get in touch with Laa and she says the best way to do it is to go to her website, it's lefaway.com and you could then from there be able to access her Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn page, reach out to her and all that Right, I get that. Right. All right, so I have two final questions for you. You ready for this? And considering what you told me your life was like at age 7, this may be a challenging exercise, but I want you to imagine you're sitting down with young 7 to 10 year old Lafayette right now and you want to give her advice about life. What are you going to tell her? [00:34:46] Speaker A: Oh, man. I want to tell 7 year old me that everything is going to be okay. That all, everything that you see as pain will. You will understand at some point. Maybe not right now, but you will understand at some point and you will be able to take that and make that your gifting. [00:35:08] Speaker B: Absolutely love that. All right, so now we're going to switch hats. And now you're sitting down with young Lafayette, the young businesswoman, young entrepreneur, and you want to give her advice about business. What are you going to tell her? [00:35:21] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness. Okay, girl, stop taking steps so seriously. Okay? Things just have a way of working out when your heart's in the right place. And if you feel something, if your intuition tells you that you know better than something, know when to see. Now, we, I don't think we play poker yet, but know when to folder, know when to hold them and know when to fold them. And, and don't take your time. Don't compound the mistakes. Just let it go. Love that. [00:35:58] Speaker B: All right, all right. So I went around end this with you telling us a little about the new book you're working on and how your original three, but how it's transformed where it's different, you know, from your original series and, and where you're at now. Because this is fascinating what you're working right now. [00:36:16] Speaker A: Okay. What I'm working on now is what I call my love note to the pastors out there. And, and honestly, it. I know people, like I said, pastors, people don't even know what that means. But it's those people out there who they may or may not have been diagnosed with something, okay? But they don't fit in. They feel like an alien. They feel like maybe people feel like they're. Their reactions are exaggerated. There's all kinds of things. They've been bullied out there, mistreated, you know, have maybe a tough time sticking with job, with certain jobs with people and all that. It's my love note to you. It's me telling you that everything's going, everything can be okay. And if you have emotional regulation issues, I break down for you how to get a hold of those and how to get to Truly where you want to be. And so my title is to be determined because I have changed it four times now because it's my love. Working is so important to me, and I want to. To make sure it's perfect. I'll get over it eventually, though, because there is no perfection. [00:37:13] Speaker B: No, no. It's going to be an awesome title. I know that. And so the term you say is a passer. P A S S E R. And it's really interesting you say that because yesterday I was talking to somebody who said their uncle at age 50, was just diagnosed with autism. 50, and. And you would think there'd be anger and regret not knowing. He. This person told me that he was so relieved. Relieved that he found out that he's just unique and he's got gifts and he can start to harness them and not feel ashamed. And there was so many. It was. It was powerful, impactful. How relieved he. They. This person said her uncle was. Imagine that. 50 years old, you're going through life just challenged and struggled. You don't fit in. And then finally there's a diagnosis which doesn't really, like, limit you. It just allows you to understand that there was a reason why things were happening and now there's a place for you to go. And now you'll fit in because, you know, I love that. [00:38:20] Speaker A: Wow. [00:38:21] Speaker B: Unbelievable. So passers. Okay, so, guys, look, you're gonna look out for that word. And in Lafayette's new book coming out soon, we hope I'll put pressure on you to get this done. [00:38:31] Speaker A: I am. I am. I'm like, seriously, eight chapters in so soon is really the true word. I have to figure out the order and all that. But it's just. I really want to make sure, because it's my love work. I want to make sure that is good. I will call myself a pastor too, by the way. [00:38:46] Speaker B: What's that? [00:38:47] Speaker A: So, you know, I would call myself a pastor, too. There's so many challenges in here. [00:38:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:38:52] Speaker A: And sometimes I go misunderstood. But we talk about that later. [00:38:55] Speaker B: I get it. Part two. Well, I want to thank you for coming on. I want to thank you for being the human being you are, because what you're doing is amazing work. And. And I know that when you are compassionate to others, you're compassionate to yourself. And I certainly encourage people to be self compassionate because then you'll. Then your gifts will shine so much easier when you're good to yourself. So thank you again for coming on. [00:39:22] Speaker A: Thank you for having me. You're wonderful. [00:39:25] Speaker B: Thank you. So are you. Everybody out there, please take care of yourselves. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe and give us a review to help others find it. I'd like you to answer this question. Are you living the life you want to live, or are you living the life others want you to live? I'd like you to think about that for a second, because I strongly suggest you live the life you want to live. If you want to learn more about what I stand for and my services and how I'm able to help many men get out of their own way, please go to my website at www.prophetcompassion.com. feel free to also email me at drewrophetcompassion.com I'd love to have a conversation with you. Take care of yourself and choose to write your own story instead of letting others write it. [00:40:22] Speaker A: For.