Episode 53 - Cordelia Gaffar - About 13 Years Ago, When I Was Pregnant With My Fifth Child, I Realized That I Wasn't in a Fulfilling Marriage. Me and My Husband's Relationship Wasn't What I Really Wanted

[00:00:06] Speaker A: Welcome to from caving in to crushing it, the podcast for those who find themselves immersed in adversity and choose to write their story instead of having others write it for them. I'm Drew Deraney, and I'm your host. Welcome, Cordelia. It's so good to see you. [00:00:24] Speaker B: Thank thank you, Drew. It's amazing to be here. [00:00:27] Speaker A: I'll tell you, when we met for the first time, it was when you had visited our master networks chapter, and, boy, did you get a ton of attention. The minute you were on the scareboard, it's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then it was like the video of you, and people can't see you right now, but the video of you totally matched the name, the ultimate joy goddess. We were like, just like. And then people started asking about the feathers behind you on the wall and all this stuff. But you do give that aura of ultimate joy. So I'm glad you're on. We had a great call, our first call a few weeks ago, and it definitely prompted me to want to have you on. Yeah. I bring people on this show who have gone through challenges in life, major challenges in life. And challenges are all relative. Yet in life, we're taught that life is linear when we're growing up, right? We're throwing this lie that life is linear. If you do A-B-C and D, then e is going to happen. And we buy it. We believe it, right? No one preps us for that obstacle, that barrier, that challenge, that kind of intercedes in between a and b or B and C, and we're left to our own experiences, which are limited to go decide how to handle it. And I bring people on who made a choice not to turn away or retreat. I bring people on who have made that decision to move forward and make a better life, utilizing that challenge or barrier as an opportunity to grow as a human being. And you are certainly one of those people. So I always highlight a defining moment, or I ask the guest to highlight a defining moment in his or her life where it kind of forced you to think twice and say, you know what? I've been living this way. Now, this happened, and there's a better way to live, and I'm going to do it. And then it makes you a stronger person and brings you to what you're doing now professionally and who you are as a person. If you could reach back as far as you desire to that defining moment and kind of lead us up to when it happened and what it did to you and how you moved forward. [00:02:49] Speaker B: Thank you for that question. [00:02:50] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:02:54] Speaker B: I'm honored to be in that group of people that you selected for this. So I'm going to not reach back. So far, I could say there have been two defining moments. Right. [00:03:13] Speaker A: You can pick both. If they intertwine in a beautiful story. [00:03:18] Speaker B: They do intertwine into a beautiful story. Thank you for that. I think I will do that. So about 13 years ago, when I was pregnant with my fifth child, I realized that I wasn't in a fulfilling marriage, and I chose to go within. I thought, if I cannot get the fulfillment that I desire, let me see what I can do to nurture myself. And I began that journey during that pregnancy, and it was the best thing ever. I met this amazing woman online from Australia, and she taught something called belly dancing for started. That's when I started getting into my own, like, honoring motherhood in a different way, honoring my sexuality in a different way, and nurturing myself. And so through this practice of preparing for birth. Right. Preparing for being a mother, because it was already like, I was good with four kids, but the bonus child of five was just like. And then to find out on top that me and my husband's relationship wasn't what I really wanted. This was just such a beautiful practice for me. Every single day, I got to do my figure eight, which is the infinity sign. [00:05:00] Speaker A: Okay? Yes. [00:05:01] Speaker B: Do my circles and really awaken the gratitude for the unconditional love I can have for myself. [00:05:13] Speaker A: Beautiful. [00:05:14] Speaker B: And my spouse. Right. That was, I would say, the beginning. And then after years of practicing and deepening and creating these practices of self nurturing, I'm going to fast forward real quick here. Some years later became the foundational process in my coaching. [00:05:42] Speaker A: Okay. [00:05:42] Speaker B: And then three years ago, we got a divorce. Right. Because I self nurtured myself out of my marriage. And then my next defining moment was I actually did that. And so now, not only have I created a business, but this business has to be my sole support. Right. And I still have my six children. Yeah. I had another one, and I still had my six children to support and all the things. Right. And so over these past three years, I deepened that, what I am calling a spiritual connection, through exploring my sexual self. And I enrolled in tantra school and had a kundalini awakening and learned more body wisdom practices. [00:06:31] Speaker A: Okay. [00:06:32] Speaker B: And so that has now, I would say, created a new alignment which honors all of my minds, right? So I've written a book called detached Love, transforming your heart so that you can transform your mind. And that is the book that I wrote at the time, I got a divorce. Right. And then I was just thinking, oh, it's just your heart, right? You just have to acknowledge your emotions and be with them and those things. And I found there's something deeper. You must honor that connection and portal between worlds, which I found through having home births and everything. But this was not from the motherhood perspective. It was now from the, I'm a woman, and my sexual self needs to be honored, respected, and nurtured perspective. And so I would say that was my second defining moment. [00:07:43] Speaker A: Okay, so I'm trying to learn this. Give me the cliff notes here. So you're listening to your heart. Now, the sexual aspect of you is that separate from your heart, is it connected in some way, shape or form? Where does the soul come in? Where does the mind come in? [00:08:02] Speaker B: The sexual part of myself, of ourselves, is all connected. I call it mind alignment. Right. [00:08:10] Speaker A: Okay. [00:08:11] Speaker B: So there are four minds within a human. We here in America rely heavily on our brain mind. [00:08:21] Speaker A: So the brain mind is one. Okay. [00:08:24] Speaker B: Yes. And the reality is, proportionately, we're more body than mine. So there's your heart, mind. [00:08:32] Speaker A: Okay. [00:08:33] Speaker B: There's your stomach, mind. [00:08:36] Speaker A: Okay. [00:08:36] Speaker B: And then there's your. Well, for women, I would call it lotus verse. Right. So that would be your sexual organs and the portal between worlds, the spiritual and the physical world. [00:08:52] Speaker A: I want to make sure I understand. [00:08:55] Speaker B: So you have your brain, your heart, your stomach, and your sexual organs. [00:09:02] Speaker A: That's tied to the spirituality piece, to the other worlds. Okay. I understand that now. Okay. Now, for the male, you mentioned Lotus. For the woman, what's for the male? The same sex. His sexual organs, or how does that. [00:09:16] Speaker B: We'll call it. Let's see. What do we want to call that? Lingam verse. [00:09:22] Speaker A: What is it? [00:09:23] Speaker B: Lingam verse. [00:09:24] Speaker A: Because we deserve a title for ours. [00:09:27] Speaker B: Okay. I'm very thankful for you. Lotus first for me. [00:09:31] Speaker A: Okay. I'm thankful for that. Thank you. I get it now. The four minds. Very interesting. Okay, so what's interesting, too, is in your relationship, you were working on yourself to grow. And I'm divorced, so I can speak to this. Many times when a separation like that happens, one of the people changes during the marital time and one does not, which then could cause a misalignment in not the person I married. And one research article I read, which I thought was fascinating, it said, at least in that study, that overall, women go into a relationship expecting the man to change. And the men go into the relationship expecting the woman not to change. Right. So if he was to marry her, because she had that beautiful figure and energy and all that, and she married him. He's a little overweight, but she knows he's going to change. She'll work him into it. Quite often what happens is the woman's the one who changes in the relationship and the man does not. And therefore the expectations of each are different. It's the relationships where they communicate very well with each other. Early on in the relationship where they can work to grow together symbiotically is when the alignment continues and they can foster. And I don't know if that kind of relates to some of the stuff that you worked on. And what are your thoughts about that? [00:11:15] Speaker B: Yeah, it does relate to some of the stuff I'm working on. And thank you for sharing that and bringing in that research. I found that to be true. I did go into my marriage thinking of the potential that he had. Right. And I assumed that when I decided to go in and grow and change that he did actually appreciate it for a little while until I encouraged him to read the books with me and do the things and go to the classes. And then it was like, oh, my God, really? That's accurate. Yeah. When I work with women, and it's so interesting the way life is, right. The women I've been working with recently, they're going through separation and divorce, and they're looking for how to go within because they never did that. They were always looking for the outward validation, especially from their spouse. And I mean, these women, like me, were been married 20, 25, 35 years or been with that person for 35 years kind of thing. [00:12:34] Speaker A: Right. [00:12:35] Speaker B: So to shift from being 4th, 5th, 10th on the list of people to take care of, to be like, oh, it's me to take care of. It's me to love, it's me to nurture. It's me to have compassion for and grace with. [00:12:52] Speaker A: Right? [00:12:53] Speaker B: Yes. [00:12:54] Speaker A: Wow. You're saying a lot of really important things that I think a lot of people who are listening don't realize that self care, I believe, and let me know what you think, is never selfish. [00:13:10] Speaker B: It's self full. [00:13:11] Speaker A: It's self full. And many of us, and I'm going to speak for the men, have this belief system that we acquired from generations of our families and social media and mainstream media, that if we think about ourselves first, we're selfish. And I think it's the complete opposite. Like, I didn't think it was the opposite for 50 some od years when I had my epiphany. I realize that now post divorce, that if I nurtured myself, however, that would have benefited me. It would have helped the relationship. And my wife and her too. And she was a nurse. And nurses are known for not taking care of themselves. They take care of everybody else. They think of themselves last. And even as a mother, mothers think of themselves last. But just like when we're all on an airplane, when they tell us to put the oxygen mask on first, that's not being selfish. Because if you can't survive it, then how can you help the others? And I think that is a perfect way to think about life. That if we can't be the best person we can be in all four of those minds you mentioned, then how can we expect others to be the best version of themselves when they're with us? Thoughts? [00:14:28] Speaker B: Yeah, because you magnetize who you are. You magnetize those energies out of the people that are closest to you first. [00:14:35] Speaker A: Right. [00:14:36] Speaker B: Then the people you walk by down the street. And there's a story I want to share, but it's of a tangent, so I'm going to get to that in a minute. [00:14:48] Speaker A: Sure. [00:14:49] Speaker B: But specific to what you were saying, there is a distinction I want to create here too, between self care and self nurturing. It's not the same thing. [00:14:59] Speaker A: Okay. [00:14:59] Speaker B: Right. So self care is making sure that you sleep at night, that you eat breakfast, that you take a shower. [00:15:09] Speaker A: Okay. [00:15:10] Speaker B: Self nurturing is having a proper calm down routine so that your sleep is fulfilling and restful. [00:15:18] Speaker A: Wow. Thank you for that distinction. That resonates with me. I see that now. Thank you. Yeah, that's a good point. Because people do get that 8 hours of sleep. It could be restless sleep. I was up three times during the night. I slept collectively 8 hours. Not a restful sleep. So. Good point. That cries out. You know how people talk about morning routines and night routines and most people start with their morning routine to kind of shape it and everything. I'm one of them. And I realize that my morning routine, if I don't have a good night routine. Right? [00:15:59] Speaker B: Yes. [00:15:59] Speaker A: Then a poor night routine is going to negatively affect my sleep, which then negatively affect my morning routine. [00:16:08] Speaker B: That's right. [00:16:09] Speaker A: So I'm working on myself now to start creating my own night routine based on stoicism. I'm reading about stoicism all the way back and learning about how to still be a strong man and be empathic and compassionate as well at the same time without being weak. [00:16:30] Speaker B: It's kind of interesting for your consideration. Perhaps harmonizing with your feminine energy may help with that. [00:16:40] Speaker A: I agree. And tell me how I would harmonize, because I know that men and women, we both have female and masculine energy. The balance of the two is best for both genders. So how do we go about men? How do men go about embracing that feminine energy and finding that balance between the masculine and feminine energy in stillness? [00:17:02] Speaker B: And I don't mean meditation. I mean, like, throughout your day. And I actually thoroughly outline this. I have, like, a whole five pages dedicated to it in my book, how to create a sleep routine or a calm down routine. But the highlights are picking a time. Right. For me, it's around 05:00 in the afternoon. [00:17:31] Speaker A: Okay. [00:17:32] Speaker B: I choose stillness, so I will not create. I don't have appointments available on my calendar after 05:00. After four. [00:17:43] Speaker A: Personal or professional? [00:17:46] Speaker B: Well, I mean personal on some days, I do do things after 05:00 but they're things that nurture my requirement for joy and connection and freedom of expression. [00:18:03] Speaker A: Okay. [00:18:03] Speaker B: Right. So if I do something after 05:00 it has to light me up, make me feel good inside, and be with people that I enjoy being around. [00:18:14] Speaker A: Understood. Okay. Makes sense. Absolutely. Gosh, you're saying so many things that I've been learning about. One of the big things you're talking about, I believe, is that many times we. And again, I'll speak for men, that we base our self identity on external circumstances, whether it's our significant other or our profession, our job. And I was certainly one. And when I got hit with divorce and fired from my job within five months of each other, shook me to the core, because that's. And I didn't even realize it at the time. I realize it now that I based my self identity on those two external circumstances I had no control over. So we heal from within is what I've learned. And that comes with. It's a challenge to heal from within if you don't have self respect or self trust. Right. So you need to build that. So how does one build self respect and self trust in order to self. [00:19:16] Speaker B: Nurture, release what's expected and accepted. Restructure your inner value system based on what drew cares and loves. And part of that restructure is creating those practices of self nurturing, which are regarding sleep, your thoughts, how much movement you get in your day, what you're feeding your body, and acknowledging and accepting your emotions. [00:19:51] Speaker A: Wow. Okay. No, keep going, keep going. You're on a roll. [00:19:57] Speaker B: Yeah. And so once that is distilled within side you, you have that self discipline of judgments coming at you. No, I'm going to release what that person's expecting or accepting from me. And I'm not going to accept that projection. And me, I'm going to see what thoughts this is bringing up for me and watch the thought, does it serve me? Does it align with the values of Drew? Right. And then if it doesn't, give it the boot now we can move on and refresh. And now in that same situation, teach that person how to treat you in the moment. If that person's like, Drew, you know, you really should be going to bed at 09:00 and you're just like, no, I need to go to bed at 10:00 or 07:00 right. And I'm going to do that now, so I don't have time for you. That person knows the boundary of don't contact Drew after 06:00 because he's going to be in bed at seven. Right. And then the more people that you know, the more people that you do this with that you already know, two things are going to happen. Either they're going to flow with the new drew and go with that program, or they're going to delete themselves from your life. And both are perfect and things to be grateful for so that you can rebirth and be your whole new Drew and honor yourself and continue this process in every single interaction that you have. [00:21:40] Speaker A: I love that you said so many things there. I like the part you mentioned about watch what we consume in our body. That could be both food and what we don't watch the news anymore because it's all inputs. Yeah. So what we consume both physically and mentally, cognitively. But also you mentioned boundaries, and I think that's really important. That many people, and again, I'll speak for men when we talk about boundaries. If we're concerned about how the other person thinks about us, we aren't really protective of our boundaries. So we would end up doing stuff that we think they would like versus what's best for us, and we kind of confuse what's best for us versus not being nice to the other person. So it's that balance of being strong and not looking like a jerk and being empathic and caring about other people and also considering your own happiness and. [00:22:42] Speaker B: Caring for other people is setting a boundary. It's like, you know what? I know that you're accustomed to me rolling over and doing whatever you like. And so here's the thing about that. It's hurting me. And for me to show up better for you in full love and full respect, this is what has to change. And like I said, you'd have to just say it. Just say it like it is. [00:23:10] Speaker A: Right. That authenticity. I think the world is craving authenticity. And what you're doing by being authentic is there's your self respect. Right. And I've been told by some women that it's actually sexy when a man is authentic. [00:23:27] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. [00:23:27] Speaker A: Yes. Because then he's got respect for himself, and therefore, he's got the capability of then respecting her. Yes. You like that? See, I'm learning. [00:23:40] Speaker B: Yes. Drew. Oh, my. [00:23:47] Speaker A: Could. I could talk to you forever. Any pieces you want to kind of align and throw out there like that. Self care versus self nurture, anything you have. [00:23:59] Speaker B: I think this is where I'll share the tangent story to connect. [00:24:03] Speaker A: I want to hear the tangent story. Yes. [00:24:06] Speaker B: So, for example, yesterday morning, I just needed to go to the grocery store, basic errands or whatever. And I think I had maybe one or two appointments, and I was like, you know what? I could just roll out of bed and just put on random clothes and go to the store. And I was like, no, let me be prepared for my day. How do I really want to present myself to me today? [00:24:34] Speaker A: Sure. [00:24:34] Speaker B: To me. [00:24:35] Speaker A: To you. Right. [00:24:38] Speaker B: So, of course, I got dressed. I did my makeup, I did my hair a certain different kind of way, and I had on my favorite orange and my goddess jewelry and crystals and everything. And then, of course, the matching mules. Right? [00:24:58] Speaker A: No, I'm thinking of the animal, the mule. You got to tell me. What the heck are you talking about? [00:25:03] Speaker B: Yeah, they're just, like, slip ons. [00:25:06] Speaker A: Okay. [00:25:07] Speaker B: Yeah, but they're three inch slip ons. Yeah. So I get to walk different. [00:25:13] Speaker A: Okay. [00:25:14] Speaker B: And this is, of course, post workout. So I wore something that was sleeveless so I could present my shoulders because I was really proud of the way my shoulders are starting to look. [00:25:25] Speaker A: Okay. [00:25:25] Speaker B: So I went to the grocery store. [00:25:26] Speaker A: The audience, they do look good, and I know you can't see them, so sorry about that. But go ahead. Sorry to interrupt. Go ahead. [00:25:34] Speaker B: Thank you for saying that. [00:25:36] Speaker A: You're welcome. [00:25:37] Speaker B: And acknowledging that. And so I went to the grocery store, and I parked at the same time as this other woman who had chosen the path that I didn't. She just rolled out of bed, clearly. [00:25:50] Speaker A: Right. [00:25:50] Speaker B: Walked in the grocery store at the same time. And when I walked in, some of the both male staff and other people shopping saw me and said, good morning. How are you? They said nothing to her. [00:26:09] Speaker A: Right. [00:26:10] Speaker B: And me, I also was feeling good. Right. And bringing joy to the world. So I said, I'm grateful. How are you? [00:26:21] Speaker A: Response? Yes. [00:26:23] Speaker B: And so that lit them up and they were like, yeah, thank you. I never think about gratitude, right. So in my ten minute shop, to get five or six items. I impacted every person I walked past, male and female. [00:26:45] Speaker A: Okay? Yeah. [00:26:47] Speaker B: Because the women saw me and smiled. Because I smiled. And I was smiling from a place of deep nurturing and gratitude. [00:26:58] Speaker A: Right. [00:26:59] Speaker B: The men, they probably had other things on their mind in addition to that. [00:27:04] Speaker A: Right? [00:27:05] Speaker B: The point is, by the time I left the store. The energy of the people in the store had lifted and so had mine. And so earlier, when I was talking about when you change your inner vibration. And you are aligned in your four minds. You magnetize different behaviors out of the people closest to you and every single person you walk past. And so that's how life is different. [00:27:35] Speaker A: It's amazing how things work because I was just on a call before I was on with you. And I learned something about quantum physics. I'm now big into the whole energy and law of attraction and stuff like that. And the guy who had learned just that morning from somebody else. Talked about how we know that our thoughts create our feelings, not the other way around. Right. And in terms of quantum physics, they said that thoughts are like protons and neutrons. And our thoughts turn into emotions. And then when they turn into emotions, that's when they turn into a physical attribute. And that emotions push forward certain energy. So I'm thinking about you in the grocery store versus the woman who rolled out of bed. When she rolls out of bed, the question I would have for her how do you feel about yourself? Do you feel confident? Do you have self love? Do you have self respect? And based on whatever you think about yourself. You're emanating whatever energy that is. Which may cause the people in the grocery store not to say good morning versus you have this self confidence, this aura, this ultimate joy goddess feeling. And your thoughts, how you feel about yourself. You're pushing that energy out to the others and I would think, change their day. You may have changed their thoughts for the day with the I'm grateful, how about you? And therefore change their entire energy and now their behavior. And then if it's a pay it forward concept that then they start doing the same thing. So you probably do know that you created this ripple effect in a positive way. Just like the person who rolled out of bed could have created it. A ripple effect, the negative way. Now, whose is more powerful? I would think yours is. [00:29:33] Speaker B: Really? [00:29:34] Speaker A: How'd I do there? Did that great. Pretty good. Yeah. [00:29:37] Speaker B: That's amazing. [00:29:38] Speaker A: Well, I want this to be about you. So I have two final questions before we get to letting the audience know how they can get a hold of you. You have the opportunity of sitting down with young seven to ten year old Cordelia. And you want to give her advice about life. What are you going to tell her? [00:30:04] Speaker B: You don't have to change. You can always be the I can do it kid and be the sunshine in your world. [00:30:16] Speaker A: Love that. All right, so now, switching hats, you now have the opportunity of sitting down with young Cordelia, the businesswoman entrepreneur, ready to go on a new business journey. And you want to give her business advice. What are you going to tell her? [00:30:34] Speaker B: Don't cave to what's expected and accepted. Don't. Don't judge yourself and don't receive judgments from other people. [00:30:51] Speaker A: I love that. [00:30:53] Speaker B: Yeah. Just be you. [00:30:55] Speaker A: I love that. Well, audience, you certainly got a taste of the essence. Geez. Of Cordelia Gafar. And you're going to want to get in touch with her. Trust me. Here's what Cordelia is offering. She is going to be offering for the first person who reaches out to her via. Would you prefer email or would you prefer. Okay, so her email will be in the show notes. The first person who reaches out to Cordelia via email and says, you listen to this episode, she's going to gift you free 45 minutes coaching session. And here we go, folks. Sit down for this one. A free copy of her new journal, which is called how to be multi orgasmic. [00:31:55] Speaker B: Yes. [00:31:55] Speaker A: So the first person who reaches out via email to Cordelia gets a free 45 minutes coaching session and a free copy of her journal, how to be multi orgasmic. And no, I cannot be that first person. So darn. All right, I'll work on that. Cordelia, thank you. I am grateful for you coming into my life. I'm grateful that you happened to visit that local chapter at that time of master networks, of which I was there. So we got a chance to be in a breakout room together. All that stuff happened for a reason, and I'm grateful for that. Thank you for being who you are. Keep doing what you're doing, because you're touching so many lives. And I'm sure this will be the second of many or third of many times that we connect with each other. [00:32:47] Speaker B: I hope that's true. And I'm very grateful to know you. And thank you for having me on your show so that I can share my story and hopefully change at least one person's world. [00:33:03] Speaker A: Absolutely. All right, everybody, thanks so much for tuning in and be good to yourself. Take care. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe and give us a review to help others find it. If you find yourself immersed in adversity, would like to find support from other men in times of struggle. Please become a member of my men's supporting men collaboration tribe by emailing me at [email protected] expressing your interest and I'll get in touch with you. Speak to you soon. Bye.