Episode 38

October 31, 2023


Episode 38 - Vincent Hazenboom - At a young age, I lived in fear, for a long time. Because of this, I developed many addictions.

Hosted by

Drew Deraney
Episode 38 - Vincent Hazenboom - At a young age, I lived in fear, for a long time. Because of this, I developed many addictions.
From Caving In To Crushing It
Episode 38 - Vincent Hazenboom - At a young age, I lived in fear, for a long time. Because of this, I developed many addictions.

Oct 31 2023 | 00:27:18


Show Notes

This episode:  At a young age, I lived in fear, for a long time. Because of this, I developed many addictions.

Here’s what you’ll learn about:

  • Overcoming addiction and finding purpose in life. (0:01)
    • Vincent lived in fear and addiction for a long time, wasting their years until they had a moment of realization and decided to get help.
    • He shared their story candidly and applauded them for fighting forward to help themselves grow stronger.
  • Overcoming fear and seeking help. (2:49)
    • Vincent struggled with fear and addiction, feeling trapped in his life and unable to take action.
    • His parents were initially shocked and supportive when he reached out for help, but they didn't fully understand the root of his fear.
  • Self-improvement and overcoming trauma. (6:37)
    • The impact of girls on boys at a young age, and how rejection can be difficult for boys to handle.
    • Vincent shares his personal journey of self-improvement, including learning from books and taking action to overcome traumas and nervous system issues.
    • Breathing techniques and personal growth.
      • Wim Hof Method breathing involves breathing in a specific way to boost internal alkalinity and cleanse the body of toxins.
      • Vincent’s podcast aims to help men struggling with self-discovery and personal growth by sharing their own journey and insights.
    • Pornography's negative impact on men's mental health. (12:12)
      • Vincent shares his journey of overcoming shame and insecurities related to watching pornography, and how it has impacted his life and relationships.
      • He believes there needs to be more awareness of the detrimental effects of pornography on both genders, and encourages men to be open about their struggles and seek help.
    • Avoiding emotional pain through numbing behaviors. (15:26)
      • Vincent said many male youth struggle with numbing themselves through pornography and chocolate to avoid feeling pain and shame.
    • Mental health, self-doubt, and business advice. (17:51)
      • Vincent shares their struggles with mental health, including self-doubt and fear of rejection, and encourages others to seek help sooner rather than later.
      • He offers advice to young children, urging them to be consistent and take action towards their dreams, rather than simply dreaming.
    • Personal growth, business, and overcoming fears. (22:03)
      • Vincent Hazenboom shares his personal journey of self-discovery and growth through business and relationships.


  • Vincent's podcast, "How to Heart," will be available on YouTube and other platforms soon.


Old Belief System (The One Given To Me)  Once computers came, I started to get addicted to computers and to video games, and then the internet and then pornography, so I got a lot of addictions under my belt. I kept on going with that because it was safe, yet I was wasting years of my life year after year after year.

Caving In (The Defining Moment) Until I had like this this moment when I was playing a video game and this feeling and my higher-self reached out to me and said like hey, you need to stop. You need to stop playing video games and get help. And I was like, Whoa, what is this? So, I put down my controller and it was a bit flabbergasted. But I knew I was doing the right thing. I knew that I need to get help. So, the next couple of days I told my parents, I need to get help because I'm not doing anything with my life.

Coping (Managing Expectations) After that I went to see the doctor and he sent me to a therapist. She talked to me and she asked me, Vincent, what do you do with your life? I looked at her and I started to cry. I was like, I don't have a life. I don't do anything with my life. I'm just playing video games, watching pornography every single day. I'm not living! I'm dying! She’s like, “well, Vincent, don't worry. We're going to set you up with the right help. I don't feel you need medication but we're going to put you in group therapy. And from there the world open for me.

Crushing It (The Turnaround) I felt a better understanding about myself. I learned tools or tricks, but most important was my understanding of my trauma, the backpack that I was carrying with me my entire life. I have more light on that. And after that, I got really addicted to self-development. I started to read books and I started to learn more about myself, learn more about the world. It was also my downfall because I only wanted to keep myself safe. I wanted to read so many books and go to so many courses and get so many coaching that I don't feel any pain. I don't feel any sadness, but I wasn't taking any action, and  I was struggling with that for a long time. That became my addiction. Just reading books but not taking action. I was living my life in fear. I was scared to go out. I was scared to have fun. I was scared to do anything. Then my higher-self reached out to me and told me “you need to make a change. And from there I just made it out there. I started taking action.


To learn more about Vincent, go to LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/vincent-hazenboom-46408123b/. The How to Heart Show https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-heart-show/id1704895666

Vincent Hazenboom Bio: Vincent Hazenboom is a Dutch thought leader [podcaster] on purposeful living in the emerging movement of new masculine leaders. Taking vulnerability to a superhero level, he shares his ongoing journey navigating porn addiction recovery, and finding soulful connection, even as a highly sensitive person (HSP) and introvert in an increasingly confusing dating world. Vincent and his guests teach listeners to reconnect to themselves, return to a balanced masculine-feminine energy, and empower others through their own heart-centered personal leadership.

View Full Transcript

Episode Transcript

[00:00:06] Speaker A: Welcome to from caving in to crushing. It the podcast for those who find themselves immersed in adversity and choose to write their story instead of having others write it for them. I'm Drew Deraney and I'm your host, Vincent. It's good to see you. [00:00:24] Speaker B: Good to see, man. [00:00:25] Speaker A: I know it's been probably about a couple of months since the last time we talked, and I know a lot of stuff has developed for each of us. I'm grateful you're here and that we are able to share our stories candidly and you have such an important message that you're trying to get out, and I wanted to give you the opportunity to do that, which is why I wanted you on. So thank you for being brave and having that courage to share your story. [00:00:54] Speaker B: Yeah, you're welcome. [00:00:56] Speaker A: So we talked a little bit before I hit the record button about how life is not linear. We all are told growing up, it's a straight line, you do this, you do this, you do it all right and think it's not true. We all need to go in certain directions and things come our way that we don't expect that either give us an opportunity to lay down and give up, or give us an opportunity to be stronger and plow through and make it as positive as an experience as we can. And I know you're the latter. You are fighting forward to help yourself grow stronger, and I applaud you for that. I'd like to dive right into this and have you go back as far as you feel necessary to kind of capture that defining moment that kind of hit you upside the head and said, hey, there's a better way for me to live and I'm going to find it. So if you'd be happy to share, starting with that, that'd be great. [00:01:58] Speaker B: Yeah. Again, thank you so much for having me and my pleasure. How it started for me at a young age, I lived in fear. I lived in fear, like, a long, long time, so I didn't know any better. And once the computers came, I started to get addicted to the computers. I started to get addicted to video game and then the internet and then pornography. So I got a lot of addictions under my belt and I kept on going with that because it was safe. I kept on going and going and going, and I was wasting my years of my life year after year after year until I had this moment that was playing a video game. And I had this inner feeling and my higher self reached out to me and they said, like, hey, you need to stop. You need to stop playing video games and get help. And I was like, Whoa, what is this? So I put down my controller and I was a bit like, flabbergasted, but I knew that Force was telling the right thing. I knew that I need to get help. So the next couple of days, I told my parents, like, hey, I need to get help because I'm not doing anything with my life. And it was really difficult, but I had to do it. So after that, I went to see the doctor, and he sent me to a therapist. And she talked to me, and she asked me, like, hey, Vincent, what do you do with your life? And I looked at her and I started to cry. And I was like, I don't have a life. I don't do anything with my life. I'm just playing video games and watching pornography every single day. I'm not living. I'm dying. It's like well, Vincent, don't worry. We're going to set you on the right help. I don't feel you need medication, but we're going to put you in a group therapy. And from there, the world opened for me. I felt a better understanding about myself. I learned tools, I learned tricks. But most of what really was important, I was understanding my trauma. The backpack that I was carrying with me my entire life, I had more light on that. And after that, I got really addicted to self development. I started to read books, and I started to learn more about myself, learn about the world. But that was also my downfall, because I only wanted to keep myself safe. I wanted to read so many books and go to so many courses and get so many coaching that I don't feel any pain, I don't feel any sadness. But I wasn't taking any action. And that I was struggling with that for a long, long time. That became my addiction, just reading books, but not taking action. So in a nutshell, that was for me. I was living my life in fear. I was scared to go out, was scared to have fun. I was scared to do anything. My higher self reached out to me and told me, like, you need to make a change. And from there, I just made a change. [00:04:56] Speaker A: Wow. And I give you credit for that. A bunch of things are in there that I want to kind of touch on, and many of us do live in fear. [00:05:04] Speaker B: A couple of things. [00:05:06] Speaker A: Have you determined the root of that fear? And the second question would be, how did your parents react when you came to them and said, you need help? [00:05:21] Speaker B: When I told my parents, they were shocked because they thought I was doing good. They thought I was having a good, okay life because also they wanted to keep me safe. But I was not happy. But still they said to me, like, yeah, you need to do it. If you feel you have to do it, you need to do it. And I went, so, yeah, they were a bit shocked that I asked for. [00:05:44] Speaker A: That, yet they were supportive, which is a benefit for you, because that's what you were reaching out to get support from them. Now, where are you calling from? I know I'm in the United States. Where are you located? [00:05:53] Speaker B: I'm from the Netherlands. [00:05:55] Speaker A: So you're in the Netherlands. And getting back to the whole fear thing, did your parents and you kind of figure out where this fear came from? [00:06:06] Speaker B: I did a lot of research. I did a lot of searching for myself, looking for answers. But it was really my trauma youth. I've been bullied a lot in my youth. I've been traumatized. And, yeah, it's there because I also have struggle with self worth. I don't see my worth. I know I have it, but I don't see it. I don't see the value that I have. So that was also a struggle. But it started really with traumas because when I was young, I was playful, I was having fun. But at a later stage in my life, my heart got crushed by a girl. And from there, the rejection was really hard. So I didn't go out. I didn't face those fears. I didn't face those reactions. [00:06:50] Speaker A: Yes. [00:06:50] Speaker B: So I stayed behind my computer to be safe. [00:06:53] Speaker A: It is amazing how relationships for a young boy, girls don't realize the power that they have on young boys. And I'm not saying in a good or bad way, I don't think they realize that the impact girls have on boys at that young an age because most boys at that age are trying to build that self confidence and they're letting a girl kind of dictate how they feel about themselves. And that rejection is hard. And I remember my first time being rejected and, yeah, it's tough. And you had nothing to compare to. So tell me how you worked yourself out of that. Even right now, you're going through some stuff. You took that step forward to self improve. Tell us a little more about that journey. [00:07:44] Speaker B: Yeah, like I said, I struggled a lot, but I felt every time I took those small steps that I need to take the action. Even though I can read 1000 books, still I need to implement those, the things that I've been teaching. But I didn't take any action, so I didn't learn anything because I can learn from books. But if you don't take the action, you're not going to experience. And that's what I wasn't experiencing. But still, I felt there was some part in my life that was still not good. So I also need to go back to my foundation, back to the risk, because I wanted to go so fast. I wanted to be with girls. I want to sleep with girls. I want to go so fast. But my traumas were holding me back. It was like, no, you have to do some work on yourself first. But I just wanted to move so fast every single time. But I was catching up. I was getting exhausted. I was getting angry because I wasn't getting the result that I wanted. But I was really in the loop. I was really in a trap with myself. But still I kept on going. I still kept going, looking for answers, going on the Internet, looking for answers, talking with people, research. That's how I learned new things like, hey, I can try this, I can try that. And then I found out about the Wim HOF method because my nervous system was really like, overloaded. I was always triggered so much, but once I do that with the cold exposure in the breathing, I felt it's going to go less. My nervous system was really cooling down and relaxed. [00:09:20] Speaker A: Tell me a little about that breathing. I didn't catch the name of it. What type of breathing? [00:09:24] Speaker B: The Wim HOF method. [00:09:26] Speaker A: Wim HOF method. [00:09:26] Speaker B: Okay. [00:09:27] Speaker A: Can you explain that to the audience? Because I'm sure a lot of people don't know what that is. [00:09:31] Speaker B: The Wim HOF method. Well, Wim HOF. He's the iceman. How they call him? And he has records of being in the ice for hours and hours. And he climbed the mountain just with his shirt and what's it called? Not his underwear, but his shorts. [00:09:51] Speaker A: Yeah, right. [00:09:52] Speaker B: He climbed the mountain and also when he climbed the Mount Everest, he did it without oxygen. He just focused on the breathing. So he climbed the mountain just with his breathing. So what the breathing is and does is if you do the breathing, what I remember what he said was, your adrenaline goes up, so you're boosting up the adrenaline, but you see it too goes down. So you're going to alkaline yourself. So you have a lot of toxins inside your body. You have a lot of acid inside of your body. And once you do the breathing, you're going to cleanse yourself with a cold exposure. You can do a cold shower or you can go to a bath with ice there you're going to train your body to be stronger and also it's going to fight off infections and diseases. Yeah, a lot. Ever since I started with it. I see. And I feel a lot of benefits about, especially with my triggers and really moving forward in life. So I really highly recommend you to check that out. [00:11:02] Speaker A: Wow, thank you for sharing that. So what are you doing now, professionally? I know you've got a podcast. Tell us a little about your journey now and where you're at. [00:11:14] Speaker B: With my work or just with the podcast? [00:11:16] Speaker A: Podcast and your work. If your work is something that's helping. [00:11:20] Speaker B: You to grow no, that's not helping me. No. [00:11:24] Speaker A: Tell us about the podcast then. [00:11:27] Speaker B: The podcast, that's a really cool story because in my own journey, I see a lot of men struggling and I see them suffering because I see them also get rejected by girls. I'm also seeing them like being lost and not knowing who they are, what the values are, because they are numbing themselves with alcohol to boost up the confidence. They watch pornography, they're hanging out with the wrong people, so they're really lost and running into circles. And then they go to jobs that they don't like. And I saw myself in them. I saw and I feel it in my heart that I wanted to make the change. And I got this idea also from a higher self because it told me first coaching, I wanted to do coaching, but I don't want to do the same thing over and over again. I want to be universal. I want to learn as much as I can about certain topics. But then I started to go into network marketing and I was only about a product that you need to learn and also to sell. And it was not my kind of thing. I wasn't happy because I was only doing one thing. But then somebody told me, like, hey, you should do podcasting. I was like, wow, this is a really good idea because I can combine multiple things together and I can share my story and I can help other people. And there it started to get alive. I started to get excited. The beginning was hard because I had a lot of doubts, like, can I do it? Will people listen to me? Is my value good enough? So I struggled months and months and months and just procrastinate because I was so afraid of sharing my voice and telling people like, hey, this is really cool, what I'm teaching or what I'm sharing. But now once I do more and more, I start really to fuse with my podcast. I start to come together. I'm starting enjoying it. Well, the editing I don't enjoy, but still I'm learning so much from it and I feel like I can have so much impact on younger men, especially with pornography, because a lot of teenagers and men are struggling with it. And I want to share how damaging it is because I've been doing it almost all my life. And I warn people like, hey, there's more to life than just being in your comfort zone, not taking risk, and just enjoy your life as much as you can. So that's really my core, to live from the heart and not be stuck in the mind and just let the monkey mind tell you what to do, just from the heart what you feel, and from there act on it and move forward in life. That's what I want to give to men, to be their own leader and move forward how they want to live and not being told by governments and by other people what they need to do. No. What do I want? [00:14:18] Speaker A: What do I want? And I give you credit too, because with the pornography, there needs to be a lot more awareness of how detrimental it is to the human psyche and men. I believe the data shows that men are involved in watching porn more than women? I'm not sure. I do know it's detrimental for both genders, and most men will not admit and don't want to talk about that. They've watched it. It's interesting because there's a stigma if you admit you watch it, yet it's so detrimental, makes people wonder why they do engage in it. Has it been easy for you to bring that topic out publicly and have other men, a admit that they're involved in it and B admit that they realize that it's something they need to stop or that it's hurting them? [00:15:17] Speaker B: The thing that I want to share first is it's denial. I was in denial, like, hey, I have this problem. But I was like, no, I can handle it. I will do it myself. But I didn't want to see help. I didn't want to get help because I was also ashamed, because I've been struggling with it a lot. I don't want to tell it. So I think a lot of men that have this issue, there's shame or there's a lot of insecurities like, hey, am I good enough? How are people going to react? But I remember once I did it for the first time and share, it wasn't so bad. People responded really good. It's like, wow, it's really brave of you that you share it and wow, you should do this more, or, yeah, there's a lot of taboo on this, and you need to tell this to more people. So from there, when I got this, when people are giving me the compliments, I started like, hey, I can talk about this. It is safe for me to talk about this. And even though if they say, like, yeah, go away with your poor nonsense, it didn't matter because I know how important it is to talk about it because, yeah, it's like you said, we talk about it, but nothing is happening. Because they think it's yeah, there's a taboo, and they think it's, like, innocent, but it's not. Because it took most of my life, because I didn't want to go out with girls or date with women. Because I was so afraid. I was so afraid of the rejection. And if I went out and I got rejected, I felt like I wasn't meant anything. I wasn't good enough for women. So I went back and watched porn because it's safe. There's always, we want to go to the safe place. So that was, for me, the reason that I want to share, because it's a destroyer. It really destroys your life, and it sounds really harsh, but it is. It took many years of my life. So I want to warn people or especially men, to be careful with that because you watch it, and then every day you're going to tell, like, okay, today I'm not going to do it. And then you're going to do it again and again and again, and you're just lying to yourself because, yeah, it's hard it's really hard and what you said, it does a lot on your dopamine system and what's it called on your pleasure levels. And also when you want, for example, if you work something hard for it to get an ice cream, now you get it. So you're destroying everything, everything in your brain, in your body. And also you deplete yourself when you ejaculate every single time to pornography and you're numbing yourself. That was for me. I was running away because I was numbing myself not to feel the pain and all of that. So, yeah, it was hard, but it was really necessary to take action and. [00:18:14] Speaker A: Get away from it. What's really important from what you said is that the thoughts you were having about the potential rejection if you confronted a woman, those were all in your head, all those assumptions, all those judgments. You were self creating the worst case scenario. And more often than not, the actual response is not as bad as the thought we put into our head what the response is going to be. It's never as bad as our brain is telling us it's going to be. And that the fact that you've overcome that and felt comfortable stepping out of your comfort zone. Rejection a lot of times can make us stronger if we see it as a gift, because maybe it just wasn't meant to be that specific person, like, hey, thanks for not saying yes, you'll go out with me because you're not good for. So good for you. Good for you. [00:19:10] Speaker B: Yeah. The thing that I want to add, Drew, that's really important is even though I was in my mind was also the body because my body was storing the trauma. So even though I tell myself reaction doesn't matter, my body was just shutting down, my body was just freezing. And that's why I reach out for help. I'm now seeing a psychologist because my body is always stopping me. My body's always put a break on me. So even though I can walk to a woman and to talk to her, but then I would freeze up and I don't know what to say, and I get sweaty because my body has been traumatized, and that's why I need to change that. So also, it's not just the mind, it's also the body because it's working. [00:19:54] Speaker A: Mind body connection. You need that connection between mind and body. And right now that's what you're working for, that alignment. Well, we're all a work in progress, and you've come such a long way. Don't give up. Keep going, man, because you're close. I'm telling you, you have a lot to give and a lot of important message that people need to hear. I have a couple questions I want to ask you before we end, and this one I love to ask because it gives us an opportunity to speak to somebody we haven't ever gotten a chance to speak to. So you now have an opportunity to speak to young Vincent, seven to ten year old Vincent, and he's asking you advice about life. What advice about life are you going to give young seven to ten year old Vincent? [00:20:47] Speaker B: The advice that I would give was or yeah, is to get help sooner, to take the first step. Took the courage to get help sooner, because I've been really late for getting help. So I wish that I could tell myself my younger self, like, get help now, because if not, you're going to waste more of your life. You're going to waste more of your precious time that's been given to you every single day. Because I've been addicted from the age of twelve until 32, so that's a long time. And I didn't do anything with my life between that. So that's really important was for me. If I knew sooner or somebody told me like, hey, Vincent, please get help, I would do that. So that would I give myself, please get well, thank you. [00:21:39] Speaker A: Because what we don't know is who's out there listening right now. And for all we know, there could be a young Vincent out there listening. And that's very helpful advice. Thank you for sharing that. You're going to put on a different hat now. And now you're speaking to young Vincent, the young businessman, entrepreneur, and you want to give him advice about business. What are you going to tell him? [00:22:05] Speaker B: Keep on going, be consistent, and don't give up on your dreams. Because I've been always a dreamer, but I didn't take the action, so that was for me, for business, because I was really good with money. I didn't have any money issues until I moved to Mexico. That's another story. But I was really good with my money. But I wish that somebody told me my older self to invest, to start to learn about business, to start to learn about self development sooner and not just wasting so many years. Start educating yourself. Start picking up books that you're interested in. We can watch many TV shows, but what's it going to get you? Nothing. It's not going to get you in return. It's the same with video games. We can play a lot of video games and we can get all these achievements, but what do you get in return? Nothing. So with business, start educating yourself, start learning and start developing. But especially go deep inside yourself. What is there something you need to change about yourself? There's nothing wrong with us, because I always thought I was a damn, I always believed that I wasn't good enough. But there's nothing wrong with me. I just been traumatized. I just need to learn and build the confidence and overcome those fears. Because like you said the first time, it's difficult. But once you're going to do it more also with rejection, you're going to do it more and more and then you're going to laugh about it. Doesn't mean anything. [00:23:38] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:23:38] Speaker B: So it's the same with business, even though in the beginning, it's hard. Like I said, for me, with the podcasting, the first videos was difficult. I was scared to look in the camera. I was scared to speak. But once you're going to do it more and more, you're going to get comfortable, you're going to learn. And the cool thing is with the body and mind is the mind can learn a lot, but also your body learns as well, because it's going to adapt, it's going to improve, it's going to learn. So if you get that aligned together absolutely. You're unstoppable force. Basically, if you master and everything, all those elements with business, with your life, with relationships, the world opens up to you. [00:24:17] Speaker A: That's a great message. And you're right. Every single one of us have the opportunity of unstoppable future. [00:24:27] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:24:28] Speaker A: And speaking of that, I think we've been able to capture the essence of Vincent Hayes and Boom. And the audience is going to want to get more of you. How can they reach you? [00:24:40] Speaker B: I'm all the social medias, and also my podcast is going to be on YouTube, and also I'm building a website so they can also check that out when it's ready. Hopefully it's ready soon because it's still building. [00:24:55] Speaker A: Right. [00:24:55] Speaker B: But hopefully I'm going to get that ready and then I can go. I can launch my podcast. Super exciting. Super scary. [00:25:03] Speaker A: What is the name of your podcast so people can start looking for it when it's ready? [00:25:07] Speaker B: How to heart. The how to heart show. [00:25:10] Speaker A: How to heart show awesome. Yeah. Well, Vincent, thank you so much for coming on. I'm grateful you're in my life, man, and I'm so glad Chris Belfry introduced us. [00:25:21] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:25:22] Speaker A: And I wish you all the success. This will not be the last time we speak. We're going to keep in touch and we'll keep monitoring your progress, my friend. [00:25:30] Speaker B: Thank you so much. And thank you so much for having me and share my story, because this is really important. It's not like my story is the most important, but it's a good story for people to know because, like I said, time is short, life is short. So you need to grab that opportunity every single day, the time that you have left, because tomorrow is going to be your last. And I would like to say, what do you want to or how do you want to tell people your life when you're on your deathbed? Do you want to tell people on your deathbed, like, hey, I just watched TV every single day. I didn't do anything, I didn't take any risk? Or you want to flip that and say, like, I did everything in my power, I did everything that I could inside me, my potential, everything to get everything out of life. What would you choose? Absolutely. [00:26:22] Speaker A: No. That's a great message, Vincent. And there's somebody out there who's in the same position you are, and they haven't told their story. You're going to give them a lot of courage today. So thank you very much. [00:26:34] Speaker B: You can always reach out if you have questions or you're struggling. You can always ask me for advice. I'm always open to help. [00:26:41] Speaker A: That's wonderful. Thanks again, Vincent. Appreciate it. [00:26:44] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:26:44] Speaker A: All right, take care, everybody. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe and give us a review to help others find it. If you find yourself immersed in adversity and would like to find support from other men in times of struggle, please become a member of my men's supporting collaboration tribe by emailing me at [email protected] expressing your interest, and I'll get in touch with you. Speak to you soon. Bye.

Other Episodes